


The Shadows At Their Backs

by MothJam



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2018-08-31 13:24:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 31,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8580253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MothJam/pseuds/MothJam
Summary: Running away from all he knew was just the beginning, his time with Thunderclan and Tigerclaw left a lasting impression on him.It's an uphill battle against the trauma of his past, but he's not fighting it alone anymore. His new friend and housemate has a troubled past of his very own.





	1. Away

**Author's Note:**

> A Human Au of Warriors, starting after Into the Wild and following a different spin on the story of Ravenpaw.

  


Thunder rumbled in the wide open sky overhead as the rainstorm relentlessly pelted the open moor with rain.

With none of the usual tangle of tree branches overhead the dark landscape was lit up briefly as a flash of lightning arced across the shadowy clouds and for a brief moment Ravenpaw could see the rain slicked landscape more clearly before him. He knew he had to keep pushing himself, it was imperative for him to put as much distance between himself and his former home in the thick forest of Thunderclan territory, but the journey through Shadowclan and up through the moorland was the farthest he'd ever travelled, let alone run.

His chest burned and his legs ached, but the glimmer of light from the distant farmhouse through the strands of hair that hung soaked in front of his eyes gave him a faint glimmer of hope in his chest and a spark of energy to keep running.

Running from all that he knew, his friends and surviving family, the few that still trusted him anyway. The events of the day, and the months leading up to his sudden departure of the only life he had ever known, they weighed heavily on his mind despite his efforts to push them from his pounding skull. Fear kept an icy grip on his chest despite the knowledge that he'd be free, that Firepaw would inform his former mentor that he was dead. He'd rather be a dead hero from whatever story Firepaw and Graypaw took back with than live another day under the torment of Tigerclaw.

Tigerclaw, the man who wanted Ravenpaw dead for witnessing his mentor killing Thunderclan's former deputy in his ambition for power, would think his secrets died with his apprentice. It was right then that the memory of Redtail dead on the ground with Tigerclaw looming over him, a bloody fishing gaff he'd taken from the fallen Oakheart in his hand forced its way into his head and he stumbled his way to a shuddering halt.

The very reason he was running away in the first place, with only a small pack of his possessions on his back was the grim reminder that the man he'd trained under for several years was a cold-blooded killer weighing on his shoulders. Ravenpaw stumbled to the nearest tree and dug his nails into the soggy bark as he caught his breath. A shaky cough racked his body and a metallic tang pricked at the back if his throat. Nobody had thought twice when Tigerclaw had carried the body of Redtail home, he was a loyal warrior of Thunderclan in their eyes after all. How hard it must have been, they thought, to fight so hard only to fail and lose their deputy in the process and have to bring his body all the way back home. He told everyone how Oakheart had slain their deputy and how he had bravely cut down the Riverclan deputy in revenge and they all listened without question. “

"Why would they anyway?” He coughed bitterly, “They have no reason to question the loyalty of Thunderclan's greatest warrior.”

He brought the palm of his hand to his forehead and pushed the soaked bangs out of his face with a shaky breath. He blinked rapidly and tilted his head upward to stop the stinging of tears in his eyes, all the feelings he'd been carefully hiding threatened to overwhelm him. He gulped a few shaky breaths and forced himself to exhale slowly. Barley's farmhouse was a few minutes away now, and while his friends had assured him the loner would take him in under the dire circumstances, the fear of rejection still crawled up his spine like frost and he found it harder to catch his breath.

"This isn't the time." He hissed to through painfully clenched teeth, though his attempt to ignore his growing fear and dread had no effect.

Anxiety clung to him like moss on a tree, it made his limbs feel heavy and his head hurt with a dull, growing ache. He tugged at the edges of his soaked shirt, biting hard. Four seconds to inhale, ten seconds to exhale, just as Spottedleaf had once taught him. He kept at it until his breathing regulated and the knot of pain in his chest faded. He took in his surroundings and made note of everything his senses could take in.

The storm had run its course and had now trailed off into a light drizzle, clear spots of the stars above had begun to shine through.

The earthy scent of soaked ground prickled the air around him and he could feel the rough texture of the bark under his fingers.

 

Ravenpaw gave his head a good shake, scattering raindrops and dispersing his thoughts for the moment. With a grimace he shoved himself from the tree, adjusted the small pack on his shoulders and stumbled down the hill towards the farmhouse. Ravenpaw glanced at the sky as a sudden wave of discomfort clouded the dread he felt. He hoped Starclan would watch over him though his path changed, maybe they would understand why he left Thunderclan.

With one last look towards Thunderclan territory, the place he knew as home he set off again, biting his lip until it stung as his aching feet carried his shaky body down the hill. When he arrived at Barley's doorstep Ravenpaw took a moment to compose himself while he was shielded from the storm. The pounding of his heart was almost deafening in his ears as he raised his fist and with a moment of hesitation knocked quickly on the door, glancing nervously at the small glass hole.

His knees shook, half from the strain of running the distance and half from a fresh wave of anxiety that struck him deep in the chest. He stood in front of the door tracing the dark grain of the oak for what felt like hours, nearly knocking again when the sound of locks being undone greeted his ears and the door opened.

Barley hadn't changed very much since the last time Ravenpaw had seen him, though he looked scruffier and more exhausted. He guessed that the being a loner living in a farmhouse, he likely wasn't expecting the company, especially at the late hour. Aside from seemingly missing sleep and changing to a different plaid shirt in the last year, Barley still seemed to be the same cautiously friendly loner that Bluestar has introduced them to on their journey. He stood blinking groggily in the doorway, opening it wider when he recognized the former Thunderclan apprentice standing soaked on his doorstep.

Ravenpaw was silent for a few seconds, then cleared his throat, dropping his raised fist to his side and speaking up. "Uh, hi. I mean, sorry to come around this late- er, early I guess.” Ravenpaw corrected himself, glancing at the clock mounted in Barley’s hallway. Half past one in the morning, no wonder Barley looked tired. Guilt shot through him but he cleared his throat to continue.

“Uh, right, I'm Ravenpaw, from Thunderclan? Well, sort of, I mean-" He stuttered, the cold of the rain having finally got to him and caused him to stutter to a halt once again. "Yeah, er, I remember you. Is something wrong? Did Bluestar send you?" Barley took the pause to ask as he scratched at the sandy beard growing thick on his chin. "I-No, she didn't. Um, it's actually a bit of a long story, b-but the short of it, uh, I had to get out of a r-really bad situation and I've sort of run away now?" He finished unsure of how to put it to simple words.

To his relief, Barley didn't look angry or disbelieving, but rather confused and concerned. "Well, Uh, why don't you come in and tell the whole thing? You'll catch your death out here." Barley gave him a lopsided, but friendly smile and pushed the heavy door open for him. Ravenpaw gave him a thankful nod in return and walked quickly through the open doorway with his arms folded tightly across his chest.

He turned around and waited politely for Barley to lead the way, but found himself watching curiously as the loner latched and bolted several locks on the door, gave the handle a tug and sighed contently.

"Come on over to the kitchen, I'll fix you something hot to drink, maybe see if I can't find you some dry clothes." Barley said as he gestured Ravenpaw to follow him to a doorway ahead. "D'you like tea, by any chance?"

"Y-Yeah, I like it just fine. Any kind is perfect, really. Thank you." Ravenpaw rambled as he removed his worn out shoes . The prospect of a hot drink and dry clothes was more than he'd hoped for and for the first time since he left Thunderclan, Ravenpaw found a glimmer of happiness in the kindness Barley was showing him.


	2. Just Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ravenpaw's dark history with his former mentor finally comes to light, and now it's nothing but going forward from there.

  


Ravenpaw had spent what felt like hours in the little bathroom Barley had shown him scrubbing the dirt from his hands and face. The small clock on the sky blue wall informed him that it had only been ten minutes however.  
Barley had given him a set of his own dry clothes to change into, and instructed him to toss his soaked clothing into the basket next to the doorway. A flannel shirt that hung loose on his skinny body and comfortable black pants that felt like fleece adorned him now, both had been Barley's so they fitted him rather loosely as the loner was taller than him.

The new clothes made him feel more relaxed, though his reflection betrayed how exhausted and wary he was. He noted that he had received the majority of how he looked from his mother, Robinwing.  
He shared her bronze skin and jet black hair that nearly reached his shoulders, though Dustpaw had gotten most of their father's wild curls, Ravenpaw's own hair had a slight waviness to it that proved hard to control at times. The sudden thought of his deceased parents made his heart ache though it had around ten years since his mother had died fighting for her clan and almost twelve for his father.

Ravenpaw cleared his throat uncomfortably, he felt losing her at only eleven years old had been part of what made him so cautious and scared, it had been right after he was made an apprentice and had an impact on his ability to succeed, especially with Tigerclaw pushing him so hard. He hoped Robinwing would still watch over him from Starclan, even though he was walking a different path in life from here.

  
If Barley only let him stay for the night, he wouldn't be able to go back anywhere near the clans, and though he wasn't living among Thunderclan anymore he would never turn to living in the city. He gave his head a good shake to rid himself of his rising panic. He couldn't let himself sink into that right now, at least not until he told Barley why he'd come all this way in the first place.  
“Even if I can't stay here, I'm sure Barley will at least point me in the right direction of somewhere I can go.” He reasoned with himself, steeling himself against the sink and staring deeply into his reflection. He pushed himself away and forced himself to take one step after another back down the hallway towards the main room.

 

He found Barley sitting at the far end of an old looking sofa, where he picked idly picked at a loose thread on his shirt and stared down at the table in front him. He seemed deep into his thoughts and it took Ravenpaw clearing his throat quietly for him to look up.  
“Hey, have a seat anywhere you like Ravenpaw.” Ravenpaw thanked him quietly and took the large chair across the table from Barley, he wanted to give him his space since it looked like Barley rarely had company in his quiet home.

  
“Take your time Ravenpaw, I'd imagine it's been a long day for you.” Barley assured him gently, he had a deep voice that never seemed to rise beyond quiet conversational level. Part of him wondered if Barley was even capable of shouting, it was a drastic but welcomed change from the atmosphere of Thunderclan where it felt at though Tigerclaw never lowered his voice to anything below shouting. 

Ravenpaw thanked him and picked up the cup of tea Barley had set out on the table. He stared down at the grain of the sturdy wooden table between them, it looked hand made and judging by the callouses that Barley had gracing his hands, he guessed that Barley had made it himself.

The warm cup of tea was clamped firmly in his hands as his thoughts raced while he tried to find a place to start. The crackling of the fire in Barley’s fireplace gave him something to focus on while he gathered his scattered memories as best as he could.  
“It's kind of a long story, it's really been a long time coming so, um, I'm sorry.” Ravenpaw dipped his head apologetically but Barley dismissed the apology with a wave of his hand.  
“It's fine, really. I wasn't planning on sleeping much tonight, you're not keepin’ me up or nothing.” Barley replied. "I promise." He added when Ravenpaw gave him a look of skepticism. Reassured, Ravenpaw took a sip of the warm black tea and kept his eyes on his cup, letting the taste of cinnamon coat his tongue as he forced himself back to the beginning of the nightmare of the last 8 years.

Ravenpaw began to recount his story by telling Barley about how Tigerclaw never liked him from the start of his apprenticeship, he had found Ravenpaw too timid and weak, but then came the terrible night Redtail had been slain in Tigerclaw’s endless desire for power.

He’d just run back to check on his mentor after the fight, but the moment he reached the edge of the clearing he witnessed Tigerclaw pick up the fishing gaff that Oakheart had carried. He probably rationalized that nobody would question it if Redtail bore the fatal wounds of a Riverclan hunting tool.  
Ravenpaw had backed up farther into the thicket as quietly as possible, his footsteps masked by the sound of the rushing river.  
But the divide between the territories could do almost nothing to cover the sound Redtail’s cry.  
Tigerclaw stood grimly over Redtail, the bloody fishing gaff in hand as Thunderclan’s great deputy lay bleeding out on the ground.

Barley hadn’t responded yet, he was hunched over with his arms propped on his knees and his chin rested on his fists. His tired eyes were wide, watching Ravenpaw with growing alarm as the story progressed. Ravenpaw hadn’t realized it, but his fists were clenched tightly and his nails had left crescent moon indents in the palm of his hands. He paused to rub at the sore spots when Barley finally spoke up.  
“Damn, uh, I’m so sorry Ravenpaw, I never liked that Tigerclaw but I never thought he’d be a murderer.” He scratched at his beard uncomfortably.

“Thank you Barley, nobody in Thunderclan thought any different either, he brought Redtail back and told everyone Oakheart killed him. Who wouldn’t believe Thunderclan’s loyal warrior?” Ravenpaw added bitterly. “Anyway, it got worse from there, if you can believe that.” He went on.  
He hardly stopped to take a breath as he recalled how Tigerclaw slowly started turning everyone against him while also setting him up to dangerous tasks in the hope that his apprentice would die in the process. From hunting down dangerous animals like a boar on his own to stealing prey from deep within Shadowclan territory, Tigerclaw pushed him into danger under the thinly veiled excuse of wanting his apprentice to be stronger.

Losing Lionheart had been the final breaking point for Ravenpaw, there was nothing standing in the way of him becoming the deputy and eventually, the leader of Thunderclan.

Nothing except himself, but Tigerclaw was trying his hardest to eliminate his apprentice in any way he could.  
It was only thanks to the quick thinking of Firepaw that he would have a chance to get away under the cover of being killed on rival clan territory.

“I remember how quick he was to attack me last year.” Barley responded, rubbing at his throat in discomfort. “I can see why you’d want to to leave a man that violent in your past.” Ravenpaw took the moment to finish his tea and set the cup down on the table. His hands were still shaking and his heart raced, but he was relieved that Barley had believed him. Remembering all he had been through made him feel sick, like there was a rock weighing on his stomach.

“I don’t think I- no, I’m sure I wouldn’t have survived if I stayed with Thunderclan. My parents aren’t alive, my brothers and sisters don’t trust me anymore and I was stuck with a cold-blooded killer for a mentor-” Ravenpaw broke off suddenly, his throat felt the fiery pain of a knot again.  
Frostfur had chased him away, Dustpaw didn’t even acknowledge him and the only two friends he still had were in a clan that wanted rid of him.  
The sting of tears pricked at his eyes and he forced himself to breath painful gulps of air down his aching throat through his tightly clenched teeth.

Four seconds to inhale, ten seconds to exhale.

Four seconds to...to- No!

It wasn’t working.  
His vision was going dark the edges and his throat felt tight. His head was pounding with a dull, increasing ache and Ravenpaw found himself doubled over and struggling to catch his breath. It felt like time had stopped and the only thing he was aware of was the painful grip of the anxiety attack the struck him to the core.

“Ravenpaw?”

He was shook back to reality by the gentle hand rested on his shoulder. He tore his gaze from the green carpet between his feet and found Barley had leaned over in his seat and reached across the table between them, he was looking more concerned now than Ravenpaw had ever seen him, even while he recounted the story that led him to this moment.

 

Ravenpaw blinked slowly, taking a deep breath in and then letting it out faster than he ought to have. He noted that Barley’s eyes were a brilliant hazel like the trees in before their leaves dropped, though the dark shadowy marks beneath them gave him the notion that Barley must have missed a great deal of sleep lately. He could feel the soft texture of fleece under his fingers from where his nails were digging into his legs and hear the soft crackling of the fire’s cinders.

“Hey, uh, you don’t have to say any more if it makes you this upset. I get the idea, an’ hey, you’re welcome to stay here, Ravenpaw. It’s a quiet life up here but it’s real safe. Just farming and woodworking for the most part.” Barley offered him an empathetic smile, giving Ravenpaw’s shoulder a reassuring pat as he leaned back with a sigh. "Your secret is safe with me, not that I really have anyone to tell anyhow." Barley joked, and Ravenpaw felt then that he would come to appreciate Barley's laid back lifestyle a lot more.

Ravenpaw wasn’t sure how to feel at that moment, he thought he should be excited at the prospect of a safe new home with Barley, but he almost felt a chilly emptiness after the last tendrils of anxiety ebbed away.  
An underlying sense of relief made his tense shoulders relax slowly and warmth gradually began to find itself back into his body as the weight of Barley’s acceptance sunk in. Ravenpaw felt it was a step in the right direction, finding his way to Barley’s home and having his host being so welcoming in the face of all the hostility he had experienced in the place he once called home.

With his mind clearer now than it had been all night, he realized that every time his name was spoken in the last hour, he felt a sharp pang of resentment. Not towards Barley of course, but in general it was a constant reminder that he was the apprentice of a murderer, but now Tigerclaw would never see him or hurt him again.  
“Barley, thank you. It’s very kind of you to take me in like this, it’s been a very long night.” Ravenpaw began, he reached into his shirt and tugged free the smooth wooden token on the leather cord necklace. It had a lightning bolt carved into it, a symbol made by Bluestar to all the apprentices of Thunderclan until they earned a stone version and their warrior names. "It's been a long few months actually, I guess." He trailed off as he ran his hand gently over the smooth carved wood.

He gently removed the pendant from around his neck and set it on the table in front of him, as much as it was a painful reminder of all he had been through, Ravenpaw couldn’t bring himself to cast it aside like it was nothing.  
“I think, um, I think I’d like to distance myself from being Tigerclaw’s apprentice as much as I can.” He continued, he hoped Starclan understood his decision and wouldn’t see this action as a sign of disrespect.  
“My mother was named Robinwing, and I think I want to honour her memory as best as I can even if I can’t become a true warrior of Thunderclan.” Ravenpaw could feel his heart racing again, but a wave of excitement hit him, drowning out any anxiety that threatened to resurface and he felt that it truly was the best first step he could take.  
He remembered how fondly she had watched him at his apprentice ceremony, she had always believed in him and though she was gone now he hoped she’d still watch over her son though his own path had changed.

“I think, uh I mean, I’d like to be called Ravenwing from now on. I’m not Tigerclaw’s apprentice anymore. I...I’m just me now. Just...Just Ravenwing!” He declared.  
Barley gave him a crooked, beaming, toothy smile and he felt a surge of something new and different than anything he’d ever felt. He gave his head a quick shake to dispel the sensation and let himself feel proud of himself for the first time in moons.

  
Tigerclaw couldn’t hurt him or threaten him anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've actually had this story knocking around my head for a few years, I'm very excited to finally get the ball rolling!  
> Thanks for reading, let me know what you think if you'd like <3


	3. The First Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ravenwing spends his first day outside of clan life with a new name and a new friend, but even though Thunderclan and all it's dark secrets are left behind, the aftermath of them begin to take their toll.

  


“So, Ravenwing eh? That sounds like a good choice.” Barley commented, his sleepy eyes glittered with interest. “It sounds fitting for you, ‘cause of your hair, right?” Ravenwing nodded in response, his mother had always likened his hair to raven feathers and took to naming most of his siblings the same way with Dustpaw having his dusty brown hair and Frostfur being light blonde. 

“Heh, I think my mother had the same thing in mind.” Barley ran a hand through his shaggy brown hair before propping it under his chin. “Who knew we’d have so much in common.” He grinned again. Barley reminded him of Graypaw in some ways, he seemed like the sort that didn’t let things hit him too deeply.

Ravenwing realized that he felt almost entirely safe there in Barley’s cozy living room. It was warm and pleasant, the little fire Barley had burning cast a warm glow to the room that wrapped them in the comfortable sound of gentle crackling. He stared deeply into the luminous fireplace and found himself grateful that Barley didn’t feel the need to fill every silence with chatter, it was pleasant just to sit quietly with their thoughts in the early hours of the morning.  
Eventually his new companion rose slowly from his place at the sofa, stretching his arms above his head with a soft crack before he took their mugs into the little kitchen behind them.

As he was left alone, Ravenwing realized just how late it was and the exertion of the day finally started getting to him. His legs felt sore and a dull ache radiated from his feet, the long conversation with Barley had managed to almost entirely distract him from the aching of his body and the exhaustion that only now started to set in. By the time Barley returned from the kitchen, Ravenwing was caught in a lengthy yawn that left him teary eyed.  
“Oh, uh, right it’s pretty late huh?” Barley was scratching idly at his chin as he wandered back into the centre of the living room, where he stopped and looked around absently. “Ah- Sorry there, kinda forgot what I was doing. Heh, more tired out than I thought I was. There’s a spare room this way.” He yawned slowly and gestured for Ravenwing to follow him back down the hall. 

Across from the little washroom he had been in earlier was a bedroom with dark blue walls and a soft carpeted floor. Ravenwing hadn’t ever had a space to himself, back in Thunderclan the apprentices had one cabin for themselves and they shared the little space as best as they could, though with five of them there it wasn’t awful, especially on colder nights.

“It’s not much but uh, it’s a living space and it’s all yours.” Barley offered, jarring Ravenwing out of his nostalgia. The small room felt a lot bigger without other apprentices to share the sleeping space with, but he could get used to it.  
“It’s perfect Barley, thank you. Really, I appreciate this so much-” He broke off in a yawn again, barely able to get out his words. Barley just gave him another lopsided, but truly genuine smile and a gentle pat on his shoulder. “Don’t worry about it Ravenwing. It’s a pretty big house to have all to myself, I’m not gonna complain about good company. Maybe once you’ve rested enough you can help me ‘round the farm?” Barley offered and he found himself nodding enthusiastically before he could form a verbal response.  
“Cool, you have a good sleep now, I’ll be across the hall if you need anything.” He said as he gave Ravenwing a last pat on his shoulder before he ducked out the door and into the room that was presumably his own. 

Ravenwing stood in the centre his space, holding a hand to his shoulder for a minute after Barley had left. It was odd to be treated so nicely after all that had happened, he was used to Tigerclaw’s rough and fierce nature and being met with cold indifference by all but two of his clan. The kind nature that Barley displayed gave him an unfamiliar warm feeling in his chest, he gave his head a quick shake to disperse the fog that his mind had become and shut the door.  
He let out a tired sigh and made his way to the bed, he pulled back the layers of blanket and crawled under the heavy covers. It was a pleasant change from the cots in the apprentice’s cabin back home, they weren’t exactly-  
A thought struck him through with a painful jolt before he could get any further. Thunderclan...Thunderclan wasn’t his home anymore, was it?  
He ducked his head under the thick layer of blanket and brought his hands up over his face. Tigerclaw had never liked how easily upset he could be, his mentor had thought it a sign of weakness that he cried sometimes or when the weight of the world just hit him hard. Spottedleaf had told him that he had a shaky history of anxiety, but Tigerclaw had insisted it was nothing that couldn’t be trained out of him. 

But Tigerclaw wasn’t here now, he wasn’t his mentor anymore. He didn’t matter. He didn’t matter!  
“H-He’s not here anymore.” He assured himself in a whisper and it was like a dam had burst inside him and all the tears he’d held back all night flowed freely. “It’s just me, just Ravenwing. I’m living with Barley now, h-he doesn’t- does not. Matter.” He stuttered, his breath shaky and his throat burning, though less now that he let himself cry freely.

After a few minutes he felt the weight inside him dissipate and he knew the bout had passed, as it always did. He felt slightly better, it had been a long time since he had truly let himself cry. Spottedleaf, bless her kind soul, had told him that the key to handling negative emotions was to acknowledge them and let them pass, he could almost hear the departed healer’s gentle voice reminding him to breathe.  
Ravenwing let himself take a deep breath and held it for a few seconds, then let it out slowly as he finally closed his eyes and let his thoughts drift away from the thoughts that plagued his mind. Instead, he let himself get lost in the quiet sound of rain on the roof overhead, the comforting rattle of tree branches outside and the subtle, ever so subtle ticking of the clock on the bedroom wall.  
Finally, he fell away into a sleepy darkness that soon engulfed his mind.

 

When Ravenwing finally awoke from a mercifully dreamless sleep, he found himself blinking confused at a ceiling that wasn’t the apprentice’s cabin. He then realized that the apprentice’s cabin, and Thunderclan itself, was left far behind him after the events of the night before.  
He ran his fingers through his hair, working through the mess that sleeping brought to it until his eye caught the time from the clock mounted on Barley’s guest room wall. 

It was half past noon, Tigerclaw would have had his head if he’d woken up that late back in Thunderclan. The thought sent a brief jolt of fear racing down to his stomach before he remembered that he was under Barley’s roof now. Things would be different.

Tigerclaw had made it a personal mission to break his self confidence at every step of the way it had seemed, in an act of making him more humble even in the face of some great accomplishments. Now he could be whoever he wanted, there was nothing physically holding him back anymore.

Ravenwing gave his head a vigorous shake, it was far too early to let those bleak thoughts weigh so heavily on his mind.  
As he pushed himself off the bed his still sore feet gave a dull ache of protest when he stood up and let his weight fall onto them again. He stretched his equally sore shoulders and pushed his arms high above his head, a quiet groan escaped him, followed by a series of cracks from his weary muscles and joints. Only nineteen years old and he already felt like he’d accumulated a lifetime of sore muscles and calloused hands, though that was especially common among Thunderclan as they spent as much time farming as they did hunting. 

The sound of clatter from down the hall brought him out of his reverie and he stumbled out of the room to quickly follow the noise.  
He found Barley in the kitchen, his host looked even more disheveled than he felt but for some reason Ravenwing couldn’t quite place, it suited him. Barley stood tiredly over the old looking stove, he was placing a frying pan as quietly as he could on it. Even with his back to Ravenwing, he could tell that Barley was still sleepy by the heaviness of his shoulders and the way he shuffled around without lifting his feet much. 

“Good morning Barley.” He greeted gently, but Barley still jumped and spun around in surprise. “Oh, I’m sorry! I’m used to being very quiet when I walk and I uh-” Barley cut him off with a wave of one hand and a broad smile.  
“No worries, you just surprised me. Anyway, I’m sorry if I woke you, I was trying to be quiet about it.” Barley trailed off with a sheepish smile.  
“It’s fine, I was awake anyway. I’m not used to sleeping this late, really. It used to be get up at dawn or else, heh.” He hoped his shaky tone didn’t betray the feelings he’d faced a few minutes ago, but Barley didn’t comment on it if he noticed. “Hey, I can give you a hand if you want. I am used to cooking, back in Thunderclan we’d always provide for the elderly in our clan first.” 

Ravenwing was relieved when Barley allowed him to work on toast while he made eggs, he wasn’t very prepared to go into the details over it, that he probably wouldn’t feel right eating if he didn’t do anything productive yet. The entire process went by fairly quietly, he figured that even as quiet as he normally was, Barley looked half asleep still and he found himself relaxed in the near silence.  
When they both sat down finally, Barley finally spoke up. “So, what was life like in your clan, other than the negative stuff.” 

“Well, it’s different for all of us. We have our own strengths and things like that, Thunderclan was especially good at balancing hunting and farming to sustain ourselves.” He began, and over the course of their breakfast together, Barley began to look more awake as Ravenwing explained how his days were spent before.  
He told Barley about Firepaw, the fiery haired young man that joined their clan a few years back and despite some of them doubting his abilities from being born in a city, he’d adapted quickly to the routine of waking up early and tending to the elderly members of their clan. He recalled how on Ravenwing’s better days he and Graypaw would all go out hunting together and the trio would use their combined strengths to take down even the toughest to catch prey. 

“I caught a boar once.” He found himself blurting out, it was what Firepaw had said he should use if Barley hadn’t been convinced in letting him stay. “I- It was another one of Tigerclaw’s deadly sort of tasks, but I made it out unscathed all by myself, well uh, mostly unscathed.” He tapped the bridge of his nose where a pink strike of scar tissue stood out against his dark skin. “It fed almost everyone and I think it was one of the few times where the whole clan actually liked me.” He joked, biting into his toast with a little more vigor than necessary. 

Barley didn’t respond right away, though if the expression on his face said anything, he was impressed as his clan had been. 

“Well, that’s really something to be proud of, that sounds pretty damn impressive. The scar you got out of it looks pretty cool too.” Barley replied offhandedly. Ravenwing hid his sudden rush of embarrassment by quickly devouring the rest of his toast and chasing it with his glass of water. Sure, a lot of scars were regarded as honourable in clans, especially when they were from a battle, but he’d never really considered his might look...cool. He brushed a knuckle against the bridge of his nose half unconsciously, nobody had called him anything like that before.

Barley brought Ravenwing back from his thoughts, though he didn’t catch what had been said. “Sorry?”

“If you’re done, I’m gonna stick these in the sink. I’ll wash ‘em later,” Barley gestured to the plates in front of them and he nodded in return, still too caught up in his scattered thoughts to truly take everything in.  
It was a boost to his dwindling confidence that someone as confident and independent as Barley thought he was interesting enough to ask about his life.  
He followed Barley out of the kitchen and into the living room where Barley dropped himself on his couch with the nearby cities newspaper in hand. After a moment of hesitation Ravenwing sat down at the opposite end, leaving enough space that he hoped wasn't too little for Barley's comfort. In Thunderclan everyone had lived practically on top of each other, so there wasn't much call for personal space. 

Part of him would miss sleeping on their cot in the apprentice’s cabin, wedged comfortably between Firepaw and Graypaw on cold nights.  
He smiled fondly and picked up the apprentice medallion he left on the table the night before, a pang of nostalgia washed over him. It would be a bigger change than he thought living a non-clan life, his hands already itched to do something.  
“Hey Barley, isn't there anything that needs to be done today?” He asked. Barley looked over the edge of the paper, the edge of his thumb was absently placed in his teeth.  
“Hm, not really until this afternoon,” he set the paper down in his lap. “I figured you’d still be tired after yesterday, so y’don’t have to worry ‘bout pushing yourself right away.”  
Ravenwing bit his lip indecisively, Barley had a point, he was still pretty physically tired out. Taking a bit of time to relax wouldn't hurt anything, it wasn’t like he had people depending on him or a deadly secret keeping him constantly on his toes anymore.  
With the lingering feeling silenced, he realized aside from the basics, he didn't know very much about Barley.

“Have you always lived out here Barley? On this land I mean?” Ravenwing began, it felt like a very personal subject despite usually being a fairly general question, though as he attributed that to being a guest in Barley’s home.  
“Ah, well for uh, quite some time now actually. Around ten years I think it is? It’s hard to tell when you mostly live on your own, time passing means very little unless it’s the seasons themselves.” Barley scratched at his beard, Ravenwing noted that he seemed to do this often as an unconscious gesture along with biting his nails.  
“I was a bit younger than you when I ended up here, I was around sixteen and I’d come here from the city. It...Well, it sure wasn’t an easy life there, but I’m much better off now so I won’t complain about it.” Barley’s carefree smile had faltered, just slightly before recovering. Ravenwing had noticed, but didn’t ask about it out of respect.  
“It was abandoned when I found it, looks like the last people just up and left when things got difficult to upkeep, but it wasn’t nothing a little work wouldn’t fix.” Barley around the room to the ceiling and Ravenwing noticed for the first time that it seemed everything in it had been patched up or fixed at least once, Barley certainly knew what he was doing it seemed.  
“So did you make all of this yourself? The furniture I mean? The cut of the wood and the way it’s smoothed look like it was done by hand.” He noted, Ravenwing found himself tracing the grain of the wood table with his fingers gently. “It’s really well done, I mean it usually takes a few of us to get something this nice made in Thunderclan.”

This time it was Barley’s turn to get flustered, the compliment had made him look away suddenly and trail off with “Oh, yeah it- Well…” He ran a hand briskly through his shaggy hair, cutting himself off. “Thank you.”

Ravenwing couldn’t help the grin that tugged at his mouth, it seemed he wasn’t the only one easily thrown off by compliments. “So you really did all this yourself then? All this woodwork, it must be what you mentioned earlier, right? It’s really impressive, especially for just one person.” He murmured, still fascinated by the smooth finish on the table but part of him kept talking just for the look Barley had.

“Well hey, when you’ve got about ten years to yourself, mostly alone, you pick up things to keep you busy.” Barley brushed the compliment off but Ravenwing could tell it still stuck with him. Barley went on to explain how he spent a lot of his winter days working in his woodshop, usually building or repairing furniture for anyone willing to pay for it. Ravenwing felt himself taking in every detail, Barley lived a more interesting day to day life than he had realized.  
“Do you ever get company here, besides the people passing through to get to Moonstone that is?” Bluestar had introduced Barley as a loner, and since he hadn’t objected to the title Ravenwing had made the assumption that nobody else lived with him until now.

“Ah, well my sister comes here once a week or so to pick up the repaired or commissioned woodwork for me, sometimes she stays the night but otherwise it’s just me and well, you now.” Barley said with another bright smile and Ravenwing felt a strange pang in his chest, something about the way Barley had said it made him feel strange. Strange, though not bad.  
Barley stretched his arms above his head suddenly with a yawn and a groan, he shook out his stiff arms and began to stand up. Ravenwing noticed it had been a little over an hour now, a full hour just spent talking and doing nothing important.  
It felt nice not to have orders barked at him or dangerous demands to be carried out, he recalled the hunt into Shadowclan territory with a stab of terror, he could almost feel the pine needles dragging over his skin as he remembered pressing close to the rough tree bark while stalking a turkey deep into rival land.

“Hey, are you alright? Ravenwing?” He realized with a jolt that Barley was standing in front of him, a hand clasped on his shoulder gave him a gentle shake and he snapped out of his daze. 

“Yeah, sorry. Just a bit of a bad memory tangent, but I’m fine now I think. Thanks, Barley.” He replied, Barley gave his shoulder a reassuring pat before dropping his hand again. He found himself missing the contact already, but he brushed it off. Living so close to his clanmates for so long made him used to the comfort of closeness, but he didn’t want to push his boundaries or make his host uncomfortable.  
“Alrighty, I’m gonna start on those dishes then after that I can show you around the property if you want. It’s a bit of a walk around, but I’d imagine you’re used to it being from a clan and all.” Barley began to walk into the kitchen and Ravenwing followed him without thinking about it.  
“I can dry them off if you want, I’d like to be helpful if I can.” He offered, he wrung his hands restlessly as he stepped into the kitchen after Barley.  
Barley flashed him a broad smile and thanked him for his offer, handing Ravenwing a dish towel and setting to work on the plates.

 

It was several hours later when Ravenwing finally fell onto the guestroom bed with a content sigh and pulled the covers over him as he reflected on the day. 

After the dishes had been put away Barley spent all afternoon and evening showing him the vast property that his rustic little farmhouse was surrounded by.  
He had a vegetable garden behind his home, though it seemed he knew only the basics as most plants were on their last legs. Since Dappletail and Smallear had shown him all sorts of tricks to gardening when he was young, he readily offered to take on the garden's maintenance which Barley gave up without protest. Barley excused the dismal state of the plants by insisting he was better suited to taking care of soybean and corn fields, they were far less fragile after all.  
He’d pulled Ravenwing into his tractor to show him the rest of his fields and the acres of forest beyond them quicker than he could on foot. Ravenwing had a feeling he would spend as much time as he could out there, as relieved as he was to put the past behind him he felt that deep down he would miss the dense trees of his homeland but the vast forest would give him something to remind him of the better things he had.  
Barley had brought him back right before the sun set to show him one last aspect of his home, he convinced Ravenwing to reluctantly follow him to the roof of his cabin, the higher viewpoint let him see across the moors and distant farmlands that he realized was the deserted homeland of Windclan before they had been driven out.  
He had squinted against the pale orange light of the sunset and realized that he could just barely see the four great oaks standing out in the faraway treeline. On the opposite side of that view, he could see the mountains about as far as the great oaks though just as breathtaking to see in the light now.  
He’d thanked Barley again for sharing his home as they made their way back to the kitchen and settled on soup and bread for a simple dinner. 

“I'm enjoying your company.” Barley had replied immediately.

Once again Ravenwing had felt the same rush of heat to his face as that morning,he had attributed once again it to not hearing it often before.  
Then Barley had thrown an arm over Ravenwing’s shoulder, which was unusual though not unwelcome from him. The feeling of a sort of friendliness that he didn't know of aside from Firepaw and Graypaw washed over him and he had given Barley a small smile,  
“Thanks, I really am happy to be here. It’s...It feels safe.” He had responded, he glanced around the room.  
“That’s why I like it so much here. Safe is...Well, it’s important to me. Goodnight Ravenwing.” He had given him a final pat on his shoulder before he dropped his arm back to his side, though the faint warm feeling didn’t leave Ravenwing when he did, Barley walked back up the hall and disappeared behind his bedroom door.  
Now as Ravenwing was buried under the thick covers of his own bed, he stared at the ceiling as if the smooth surface would hold any sort of answer to the questions he wasn’t sure he could phrase clearly enough to ask, even in his head.  
Nearly an hour had passed since they had retired for the night and he still felt the faint tingling feeling in his stomach. It really had been a long time since anyone but his two remaining friends in Thunderclan had shown him any kind of friendliness, and Barley was nicer to him than most of his clanmates, though he only knew him for a couple of days now.  
He couldn’t imagine why someone as strong and independent as Barley would want anything to do with him, he wasn’t the sort of person who would amount to anything great after all.  
He was Ravenpaw, the young man who could never do anything quite right.  
A tightness seized his chest and he grasped around in the darkness for what felt like an eternity until he found what he was looking for, the carved wooden medallion and the leather cord that held it.  
He ran his thumbs up and down the smooth and then gouged wood of the small carving, he focused on his breathing before letting any more thoughts overwhelm him. He wasn’t Ravenpaw anymore, he had left that name behind the night before. 

He was Ravenwing now, Ravenwing. A man in charge of his own destiny now.  
Not an apprentice of Thunderclan, not the apprentice of a murderer.  
Not any of that anymore.

 

“I-I’m just m-me. Just me now.” He muttered to himself, over and over between breaths. He pinned the carved medallion under his thumbs firmly to his chest, the feeling of the wood against him finally let his head clear and put him more at ease.  
“Well, nobody said the road would be an easy one.” He sighed into the darkness of the room, letting his eyes fall shut. Leaving Thunderclan was just the beginning, but he felt like throwing himself back into working with his hands would help take his mind off self loathing and focus on being productive.

 

In the morning he would try to salvage Barley’s attempts at gardening on a small scale, maybe offer to iron out his clothes properly and find a steady routine. He wasn’t giving in yet, his new life had just begun and if he convinced himself enough, maybe he wouldn’t let a terrible past hold him back from living it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little longer and I'm happy with the way it's turning out. Anxiety is hell but writing about someone else going through it is slightly cathartic, I hope you enjoyed it so far and please feel free to tell me what you think!


	4. Thorns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One week later, Ravenwing reflects on his new life and faces some trouble of the past one.

  


  
A week had passed since Ravenwing had come to live with Barley and though it was a slow paced week of gardening and small tasks he had finally learned to find some peace in the absolute nothing that Barley knew as relaxing.  
It wasn't unusual to find his housemate asleep in a seemingly uncomfortable position wherever Barley could find to lean back.

Ravenwing found him most often in his barn’s hay loft, reclined on the bales with his hands resting behind his head in a perfect image of relaxed. Though Ravenwing's previous lifestyle with the clans would have seen it as lazy or unproductive, he knew Barley worked hard in his waking hours and he found that had to fight the occasional urge to lay down in the hay with him and let the day drift by unnoticed.

He had a feeling it might be at the very least impolite without asking, though Barley wasn't all that shy about physical contact despite being a loner for so long, he had even offered Ravenwing a sympathetic hug and stayed up until dawn after a nightmare about Tigerclaw's brutality had scared him awake the other night.  
He guessed that because of Barley's desire to live his life as a loner, he didn't see much in the way of company or closeness.

 

He had also come to learn that Barley loved reading and had a vast collection of books he had acquired over the years and he found Barley reading at all hours of the day and night whenever he had a free moment. Barley liked any kind of book he could get his hands on and had many of them lying bookmarked around his house, well worn and read many times. 

Just that morning he discovered Barley slumped in his living room chair in a position that didn’t look in any way comfortable to sleep in, reading glasses still in place though the book he had in hand. A well worn copy of The Giver lay closed in his lap with his thumb marking his spot.  
Ravenwing had gently taken it and set it on the table, a bookmark carefully in place and left his friend to sleep while he started his own day. 

 

Now it was around noon, Barley had let him know when he set out to check on the fields but not before stretching his likely sore limbs from sleeping on them badly. It was autumn now, soon the fields would be ready to harvest and he’d have to set to work delivering the corn and soybeans to an elevator where they would be stored and sold from.

It amazed Ravenwing that there would be so much to this farming, in Thunderclan the fields had been to sustain them so they had been far smaller and managed fairly easy on foot.  
He had set to work planting bulbs for plants in Barley's garden along with wildflower seeds to come up in spring. He knew attracting bees to a garden would help it grow stronger, One-Eye had taught him that when she had shown him how to plant flowers, she had said it would make vegetables taste better and since she had been around far longer than him, he believed her. Dustpaw and Sandpaw had never taken to gardening the way he had, they had been more interested in learning to fight and defend their land. Maybe it had always been in his non-violent nature to take on the other tasks that Thunderclan had to offer, but he found he appreciated those skills more than ever if it helped him fit in his new home with Barley.

 

He looked up from his reverie to see Barley walking towards him, his hands were stuck into the pockets of his dusty jeans and for once Ravenwing realized that he didn’t look completely exhausted. Ravenwing stood up slowly and he clapped his hands together a few times to rid them of the soil.  
“Hey Barley, are you finished already?” He asked.  
“Yeah, not much to do really, it’s just waiting for the right time to harvest at this point.” He said with a shrug. “So if you’re finished resurrecting my garden, do you want to come for a walk with me?”  
Ravenwing had also discovered that Barley liked going for walks, Ravenwing had always enjoyed the little time he had to relax when Firepaw, Graypaw and himself went for walks together before so this news had delighted him.  
Now there was no expectations to uphold, no responsibilities weighing on his shoulders and all the time in the world to do whatever he wanted.  
“I think I- actually, yes. I would love to Barley. Going for a walk sounds really nice.”  
Barley gave him a beaming smile, assuring him he’d be right back after he grabbed them something to eat for the walk before jogging to back to the house.

 

It wasn’t hard to make Barley happy, and Ravenwing found himself completely grateful for the change. Tigerclaw’s colossal expectations for him had always weighed hard on his shoulders, they dug in like thorns and even after a week of being away he found that they still clung deeply into him.  
“How am I not over this, I’m not there anymore.” He mumbled. He shoved a hand roughly into his hair, staring at his feet as if they’d hold the answers, but his worn out shoes didn’t have anything but his feet to hold. He let go of the wild wavy disarray his hair had become with a heavy sigh.  
Ravenwing felt frustrated with himself, he had a great new life ahead of him here, but every time something reminded him of Tigerclaw or his rough past, it felt like a punch to his gut that left him reeling.  
He took a deep breath and fell into his familiar routine of steady breathing, the icy feeling that had crept into his stomach receded slowly by the time he reached ten breath cycles. It was that moment that Barley stepped back out of his house with a backpack slung over his shoulder. 

Barley paused to lock the door behind him, he gave it a firm tug and tapped the wood surface before turning to Ravenwing. He hoped Barley wouldn’t notice the weariness he felt, but it was as obvious as the sun shining above them.  
“Hey, are you okay? Did the sunlight make you overheat? We can postpone this walk if you want.” Barley walked briskly towards him and as he got closer a look of realization came over his face followed by a frown. “Oh, uh, bad memory?” He put a hand gently on Ravenwing’s shoulder and for a moment, all the fear and self loathing he felt disappeared with the reassuring gesture.  
“Sort of, just…” He struggled to get the words to come out and stared angrily at his feet again. “I’ll try to explain it on the walk, if that’s okay?”  
Barley pulled him close for a moment, he gave Ravenwing an encouraging embrace before letting him go with a gentle pat on the shoulder. “Of course that’d be fine, take all the time you need. I know it’s a tough subject.” Barley said, he flashed him a sympathetic half smile and Ravenwing felt grateful again, though this time the feeling stayed positive.

 

The air was cooler now, thought the sunlight overhead stopped the early autumn breeze from making them cold. By the time they reached the forest at the edge of Barley’s property, Ravenwing had found the words to explain his frustrations to his friend. Barley followed behind him quietly, he hadn’t spoken up yet and Ravenwing assumed he was letting him get all his words out while he could.

“Every time something hits me, it’s like I’m reliving the worst moments all over again. I know it’s not gonna be an immediate change or anything like that but I thought I’d at least stop feeling like this by now.” He spat, fists clenched and tears threatening to fog his vision. He scrubbed the sleeve of his sweater roughly over his eyes before he continued. “It’s like every terrible thing he did is a tendril of thorns in my back, some of them are bigger and deeper but they’re all still there and every time something reminds me of him and the way he treated me,” He stopped walking, glaring ahead without really seeing anything. “It’s like the thorns are being tugged every time. He’s not even here and I still feel scared like he’s going to show up and just kill me like it's nothing.”

Ravenwing shoved the sleeve covered palm of his hand to his eyes as the pulsing pain of sorrow and fury washed over him. Barley still hadn’t said anything, but Ravenwing heard him step slowly around him and he found himself once more in a warm embrace.  
Barley pulled him close and held him quietly, he hadn’t felt like this since the night he left Thunderclan with Firepaw and Graypaw. It felt like an eternity and Ravenwing didn’t really want it to end, eventually his angry weeping ceased and he raised his shaky arms to wrap around Barley.  
It was nice to just be held, though back in Thunderclan it was only his two close friends that ever wanted to be close to him, he hadn’t realized just how much he missed the feeling.

 

“Thank you Barley.” He mumbled quietly, he still didn’t really want to let go but he knew he had to so he cold continue talking clearly and to shove aside the feeling of fondness in his stomach. Ravenwing reluctantly dropped his arms back to his sides and stepped back, though now with a lighter heart and a hint of a smile on his face. For all his effort to snuff the feeling he couldn't quite get rid of it, a warmth in his chest that reminded him a bit of his friends back home, but a little different. He summed it up to the fact that Barley was so accepting and friendly, it was familiar but new all the same.

Barley didn’t say anything right away, but the way he looked at Ravenwing made him realize that he was thinking deeply as well.  
“I, uh, can relate. A lot more than I usually admit.” Barley began. “I had a very rough time growing up, a lot like yours actually. Constant fear of not making it to the end of the day alive, um, among other things. My sister, Violet? She was right there with me and I spent a lot of my years fearing for the both of us, it’s not something that goes away overnight, that’s for sure. I’ll get into it more another time, but I just want you to know that I understand how you feel. I really do, it’s something I didn’t think I could ever relate to with someone else but you, you’re different Ravenwing. You’re really something exceptional.”

Ravenwing had never heard Barley speak so much at once before, and by the look of it, Barley probably hadn’t either. Ravenwing found himself crying again, but this time it was more happy and relieved than ever before. He wiped his eyes again, taking moment to rub at his cheeks in an attempt to dispel the heat that crept into his face.  
It was at that moment, crying and laughing and talking with Barley that he realized something that genuinely surprised him.  
“Wow, Barley I think I actually feel a little better about it. I mean, it hurt to talk about it and relive that feeling, but it’s like pulling a thorn out. It hurt and I’m sure it will take time to heal the wound it left, but I think it actually feels a lot better.” He said, a little shocked at his own realization. Spottedleaf would have been proud of him, she had always told him that opening up was good for him. “I guess that metaphor was more spot on than I realized.”

Barley gave him a crooked smile in agreement, it seemed talking had taken a weight off both of their minds for now. As they kept walking, Barley took time to point out some familiar landmarks in the woods, a river that would lead them back towards the house if they were lost, a large pine tree that could easily be climbed and the path itself lead to a lake a couple of miles into the woods. Barley told him that he often went fishing back there on days when he wanted to get out of the house for some time. Ravenwing explained to him that Riverclan were the Clan best suited fishing as they had many streams and rivers on their territory and that seemed to spark an interest in Barley.  
"I don't know much about your clans, what's it like living with that many people?"

As they walked along the trail and found their way to the lake to eat and rest, Ravenwing explained how outside of the terrible circumstances surrounding the last few years, he had a lot of positive to talk about. From the gatherings in peace every full moon at Fourtrees to the close bond he'd shared with Firepaw and Graypaw, Ravenwing explained the sense of community he had felt so rarely.  
“It was because of them that I made it out of Thunderclan alive, I'm not sure what they told the clan but those two are the reason I'm here alive.”  
Barley nodded in understanding. “The other two I met last year? With Bluestar and…” He trailed off, rubbing his neck uncomfortably. Ravenwing recalled Tigerclaw pinning Barley to the ground by his throat almost as vividly as he did the deputy murdering Redtail. He put a hand gently on Barley's shoulder, that night had only further driven home Tigerclaw's dark reputation in his mind.

“Well, I can understand why someone like him drove you out of a home like you had. I didn't sleep for a good week after he attacked me, I can only imagine what you went through.” Barley sympathized. “But I really should thank your friends, it's nice having someone to talk to out here.”  
Barley stretched his arms over his head and let himself fall back on the grass with his hands stuck behind his head.

Ravenwing watched him for a few moments, his mind was racing with new thoughts. Barley actually liked having him around, he understood what he was going through and didn’t judge him for how it hung over him like a cloud at times. The change that just one week had brought him was already amazing, even if he wasn’t over it right away he had a place to heal, he would be away from it all out here with Barley and his little farmhouse surrounded by fields and forest.  
With little hesitation he let himself fall back onto the ground next to Barley, mimicking his relaxed posture and staring at the late afternoon sky above them.

 

Even if it was a small step, even if it took a long time to get anywhere, Ravenwing knew he had a solid place to start right there by the lake with Barley. The warm feeling in his chest wouldn't leave, but it was admittedly nice and for the first time since he left Thunderclan territory he let his eyes fall shut without any fear.


	5. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ravenwing reunites with Fireheart and Graystripe, as well as the lost Windclan. As he reconnects with his friends and learns of the events the last week in the life he left behind held, new feelings come to light.

  


  
“So, if it’s not too rude to ask, how do you guys come up with names like Ravenpaw? All apprentices have ‘paw' at the end of their names right?”

Ravenwing had woken up as the sun hung low in the sky, nearly touching the horizon now with clouds streaking the formerly open sky. Barley had been sitting up watching the horizon idly, but when Ravenwing stirred he immediately began asking more questions.  
Ravenwing's mind was a bit groggy with sleep still, but he did his best to give Barley answers to his curiosity. They had began to walk back to the farmhouse and spent the walk talking about the peaceful aspects of clan life. Barley had never any desire to be part of a clan himself, the crowds and fighting were never ideal for him. Despite this, he was very curious about how it worked in terms of tradition, faith and personal values.

“I suppose it's because ‘Ravenhand' wouldn't sound as promising.” Ravenwing said, struggling and failing to keep his face straight as a smile broke through his serious facade.  
“Wow, was that sarcasm? I must be having more of an affect on you than I thought.” Barley slapped his shoulder gently, a grin was wide on his face and unlike Ravenwing he didn’t bother to hide it..   
“Well I think it's mostly left up to tradition, a lot of things are. My siblings and I were named for our hair colours, so that's a very common way to name children in clans.” He continued. “My older sister is named Frostfur, we tend to go with fur or pelt instead of hair. I guess our ancestors thought it sounded cool or something.” He shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“All leaders are named with a star at the end of their name? Like Bluestar?” Barley asked.  
Ravenwing nodded, “Yeah, it’s to show that they have the blessing of Starclan in their leadership. They go to the Moonstone in the mountains and share dreams with our ancestors.”   
Barley went quiet again, turning to stare towards the mountains Ravenwing had mentioned, the setting sun was just beginning to dip behind them as clouds streaked the sky above their heads.

Ravenwing found himself content to walk quietly back to their farmhouse, wrapped in the sound of their feet shuffling through the grass and the wind now picking up and whistling through the trees around them. Hr eventually spoke up to point out that the fluffy clouds above had begun to grow thick and dark at the horizon, tumbling steadily towards them with the promise of rain.  
“We should probably hurry up then, don’t wanna be soaked like last time, you looked half drowned on my doorstep.” Barley teased. “Are you alright to run?”  
Ravenwing scoffed.  
“Of course I can run, I’m more worried about you having to keep up. I mean, you look ready to sleep for a whole year.” He ducked as a swipe of Barley’s hand grazed past the back of his head, a mischievous smile decorated Barley’s face and Ravenwing aimed a playful jab at his side before taking off in a full sprint up the path leading to the farm.

To his surprise Barley was nearly caught up with him a minute later, his relaxed lifestyle as a loner didn’t show through now as he threw an arm on Ravenwing’s shoulder and sent them both stumbling to a jog and finally a quick paced walk, though now falling in step once more as they made their way up the path to the house.   
“Not bad for a loner, eh?” Barley glanced down a him with a smirk and dropped his arm dig through his denim pockets for his key.   
“Hey, I never said being a loner was a bad thing, I mean I’m technically a loner now that I’m not part of a clan.” He said, watching Barley cautiously jiggle the door handle before unlocking it. “I’m just saying, you’re surprisingly fast for somebody so…”  
Barley pushed the door open and turned around as soon as he walked through, he brought a hand to his chest, a look of mock hurt on his face. “What, bulky? Fat? I’ll have you know I’m very agile for my size.”   
Ravenwing rolled his eyes as he closed the door behind him. “I was going to go with relaxed, since you live out here I figured you wouldn’t need to run that much.”  
Barley retreated further into his kitchen as the rain began to pick up outside, he leaned back on the counter with his arms crossed before continuing on though somehow more dramatic now. He had a very odd sense of humour in Ravenwing’s opinion, though it reminded him a lot of Graypaw and the brotherly bond they had shared when he was an apprentice.   
“Oh no, I get it, just ‘cause I’m big you think I can’t keep up with you and your ancestral history of running fast.” Barley went on, not bothering to hide the amusement that coloured his tone.  
“Well actually, the gift of running fast was actually Windclan’s thing.” He found himself mirroring Barley’s tone and posture. “Thunderclan’s just really good at farming and upholding clan tradition. Well, that and the ancestral history of being better than everyone else.”

His sarcastic remark made Barley’s smirk break into a full on laugh, he felt the now familiar warmth creep into his face and a tingling in his stomach. He turned his gaze out the kitchen window to take his away from the odd rush of pride he felt, all over making someone laugh. Though the pleasant validation was an unusual feeling, the reminder that someone as independent and funny as Barley thought he was fun to be around made him feel a little confident.

As Ravenwing stared out into the field the rain that pelted the landscape reminded him of the night he arrived here a week ago. Despite how he felt about his lingering fear of Tigerclaw, metaphorical thorns that dug into him though he was out of immediate danger now, he knew he had made some progress here. Barley had pointed it out that morning, he seemed more relaxed already and less wary of the world around him.   
Barley had just begun telling him that his sister would be visiting tomorrow to drop off woodwork when Ravenwing spotted movement out past the corn field. His years of caution in Thunderclan hadn’t gone to waste as he pointed out the group, larger now as they approached from the direction of the mountains.  
“If they’re coming from the mountains they’re probably coming from the clans. I’ll check it out and let you know if it’s any trouble, there’s no sense in us both getting wet right now.” He gave Barley a half smile.  
“Are you sure that’s safe? I mean, after last week…”  
“Don’t worry about me Barley, I’m fast and better than everyone else by nature.” He said over his shoulder, Barley shrugged though the look of worry didn’t quite leave his face. He pulled on a rain jacket Barley had given him and ran out the door.

Ravenwing made his way to the edge of the corn field, he knew that putting the thick stalks between him and the travellers would put him to an advantage if he had to get away. Part of being an anxious mess growing up had made him quick to plan for any possible outcome to a big situation. As he neared the edge of the field, he heard a familiar voice over the sound of rain.

“I don’t know how good the hunting will be here.” He heard Firepaw addressing the group of travellers and spotted the red-haired apprentice with his back to the corn field. Beside him Graypaw was talking with a small group of warriors that seemed to be Windclan by the look of their skinny, tall figures.   
He pushed his way excitedly through the edge of the field, any hesitation he may have felt was gone like frost in daylight as Firepaw whirled at the sound and stared at him, eyes wide.

“Ravenpaw!” He found himself in the middle of an affectionate hug from his two former clanmates, now warriors of his former clan. Fireheart and Graystripe referred to him as a helpful loner to the hostile clan, though for the first time he found himself unflinching under the cautious gaze of the half starved warriors. Surviving years under Tigerclaw’s idea of mentoring had done something for him after all, even though he was faced with a possibly hostile clan he didn’t feel a trace of fear.

Fireheart and Tallstar lead the group towards the barn, to his immediate relief. None of them seemed to recognize him so far, though the week he spent in Barley’s home with proper running water instead of a stream to bathe in had made his hair much wavier and Graystripe had remarked in a whisper that he didn’t look like ‘the skinny twig he had grown up with’ as they walked back to Barley’s house together.   
Ravenwing found himself believing the comments more than he ever used to, Graystripe was always like family to him and he had always been encouraging, though Graystripe was younger than him by a couple of years. 

“Have you gotten taller in the last week? I swear there’s another foot or so on you.” Ravenwing commented, he figured Barley would be wondering what was happening by now, so he pulled Graystripe aside for an update on the clan while he was at it.  
“Haven’t heard that one yet, dad only says it every time I help out the elders.” Graystripe rolled his eyes and shook his head, he sent raindrops flying from his tightly coiled dreadlocks as he ducked under the front porch next to Ravenwing. “So you’re going by Ravenwing now? I think it suits you, it sounds like something your mother would like. Dustpaw is still an apprentice right now by the way and man he is not happy about it at all.” Graystripe went on as Ravenwing walked through the door into Barley’s hallway. He spotted Barley through the kitchen door and waved, his friend was biting down anxiously on the edge of his thumb and gave him a reassuring smile.

“Hey Barley, it’s a couple of my friends from Thunderclan, they’re bringing Windclan back to their home territory.” He said, gesturing to Graystripe behind him, Graystripe gave Barley a friendly wave while taking in the rustic atmosphere of Barley’s home around him.  
“I remember you telling me about that, er, they can take shelter in the barn for the night. Just mind the barn cats, they’ll keep the mice away but they might bring you one if they like you enough.” Barley warned. Ravenwing watched as he took a few deep breaths before making his way over to them.  
“Well, there’s plenty of food in the cellar out there, I imagine they look like they could use a good meal and I’ve got plenty to spare, really.” Barley said. “Couldn’t let anyone go hungry if I can help it.” Graystripe flashed a beaming smile followed with an enthusiastic thumbs up and Ravenwing noticed Barley’s rigid posture relax slightly.   
“Hey thanks Barley, I’ll go let them know.” Graystripe replied, clapping Barley on the shoulder in a friendly gesture before jogging back out the door towards the barn.   
Barley sighed and ran a hand through his hair, Ravenwing knew he didn’t like crowds but his readiness to help the lost clan struck a chord deep inside him.   
“So are all clan warriors that, um, energetic?” Barley asked after a moment, though the humour in his voice and genuine smile that replaced his earlier nervous expression told him he hadn’t been agitated by Graystripe’s friendly nature. “Well that’s Graystripe for you, he’s a good friend and he’s probably one of the nicest people I know, he was more like a brother to me than my actual brother was growing up.” Dustpaw and him had been twins, but when they had become apprentices Dustpaw had done everything he could to deny the fact that they were siblings, let alone twins. Things had gotten better once Graystripe had been apprenticed.  
“I’m going to see how things are going out there if you want to come with me?” Ravenwing added, shoving the memories aside to focus on the present before they could overwhelm him.   
He still felt a creeping worry about someone recognizing him from Thunderclan, though it had been quite some time since he had seen anyone from Windclan and even Graystripe had gone on about how different he looked from the past week. 

“Hey, Ravenwing? Is everything alright? You look a little panicked again, are you sure you want to go out there?” Barley had a gentle hand on his shoulder and Ravenwing was grateful, his legs felt weak but the reassurance got through. “I’m just a little worried, I don’t think anyone from Windclan would remember me, I was a quiet apprentice last time anyone saw me. My hair was a lot shorter and I doubt anyone will know I was Ravenpaw, but the feeling is still there.”  
Ravenwing bit down on his lip, he felt frustration with himself for being as scared over it as he was, but if it got back to Thunderclan that he was alive, if it got back to Tigerclaw, it would be both he and Barley in danger now.  
“Hey, it’ll be okay Ravenwing. I’ll just tell ‘em you’re an old friend of mine, it’s half true anyway plus you do look really different than you did a year ago. I didn’t really remember who you were when you showed up at my door until you mentioned Thunderclan.” Barley assured him and relief flooded through him.   
He felt he could trust Barley’s judgement, and if he was being honest with himself, hearing Barley refer to him as his friend made him feel a little more confident.   
Ravenwing let himself breathe for a few more moments and Barley waited patiently at his side while he let himself calm down, they stepped out the door and made their way to the barn together.

Once the clan had settled in, Ravenwing joined Graystripe with a bowl of soup for himself and while catching up on the news from the recent gathering, he heard his name. He noticed Fireheart talking with Barley, both of them leaned against the wall a few feet away. Barley, despite the unusual amount of people around him, held it together fairly well in the crowded space so far, especially for someone used to being on his own.   
“It’s good to share a meal with someone else from time to time.” He heard Barley say before the loner pushed himself away from the wall with a stretch.  
Ravenwing handed the rest of his bowl to Graystripe as Barley walked over to him. “I’ll be back at the house, I assume you’ll want to catch up out here but I’ll be there if you need anything.” Barley said before flashing him a half smile and walking out the barn door.   
“Ah, he’s not very fond of crowds, but it’s been really great living here with him.” Ravenwing explained as Graystripe finished off his bowl with a slight look of confusion to his face. Fireheart called them and they both turned to see him standing with Tallstar, the true to his name lanky Windclan leader. 

They took the first watch together, the three of them at the entrance to the barn together again. To Ravenwing, it almost felt like they were together warriors of Thunderclan all over again. As they let the lost clan rest together in peace, Fireheart and Graystipe explained everything that happened after they had departed from each other at the edge of Windclan territory in hushed whispers.

 

The news that Thunderclan thoughts he was dead was both jarring and relieving all at once, if Tigerclaw thought he was dead and gone he could put some of his fear to rest knowing that there was no way he would come looking for him. As far as the deputy knew, his murderous secret had died along with his apprentice.   
He explained to them how Barley actually seemed to appreciate having him around without going into detail on his new friend’s personal matters and how he already started reviving a garden. He even found himself joking with his old friends, telling a couple of young apprentices all about how a loner like him would eat an apprentice whenever he could. He laughed when they reacted, rolling their eyes as apprentices often did.   
He watched with amusement as Fireheart dismissed them, they reminded him of being an apprentice in some ways, the early days before everything went wrong.   
Now it was best that Thunderclan thought he died, Fireheart assured him that even Tigerclaw believed his apprentice had been killed in enemy territory. In some ways it was true, he left behind his apprentice name that night, he was Ravenwing now.  
As Fireheart yawned and Graystripe looked ready to sleep right there during watch, he offered to keep an eye out for trouble while they slept. “It’ll be like the warrior’s vigil I never truly got.” He said as he gave them both an affectionate hug before demanding they get some rest. He sat down on the hard packed dirt ground and turned his gaze to the rainfall outside.

It was like the night he left, but now instead of terror gripping every part of him and fear for his life keeping him running, he felt a little more at peace. He glanced at his friends, now asleep on the hay and felt a rush of warmth. It really did feel like a warrior’s vigil, watching over the sleeping Windclan and his best friends and though there wouldn’t be much danger out on Barley’s farm to watch out for, he still felt grateful being able to experience the feeling.

 

A few hours later he had just finished a large fantasy novel Barley kept in the barn, he knew sunrise wouldn’t be far off now but he decided he would wait until the warriors around him began to wake up before he headed back into the house.  
Thoughts of the warm farmhouse and a bed to sleep in made him feel at peace with his choice to leave, as much as he liked keeping vigil for his friends, Ravenwing felt he fit in better away from the danger of clan life and even more away from Tigerclaw.

He shifted his thoughts away from Thunderclan’s deputy as fast as he could, it would be an awful time to have a panic attack. He found himself focusing on Barley instead, living the easy going loner was the best situation that he could have hoped for. Barley was friendly and accepting of him, he never complained about Ravenwing’s problems or got impatient with his anxiety. Ravenwing felt the past week had helped him find the confidence he never had before and being around someone as reliable and talented as he felt Barley was helped his life become a lot more free and positive.  
Ravenwing had compared him to Graystripe in a lot of ways, they were both reasonable people who had a sense of humour about life, but he now realized the brotherly bond he felt with Graystripe wasn’t exactly what he had come to feel with Barley.

He set the book down on his lap and stared at the worn cover. He bit his lip contemplatively until it stung, his gaze shifted to his feet as if they would hold any sort of answer for his racing thoughts.  
Ravenwing felt growing realization for the feeling in his stomach, the prickling feeling in his chest that increased the last few days. He had attributed it to a friendship like what he had shared with Fireheart and Graystripe back home, but now after being with them again, it was different.   
It was a fondness he felt, not just a gratefulness for his living situation or a familial bond that he had with his friends, but a different warm feeling deep in his chest that now spilled over into realization.

 

Ravenwing understood now, he had feelings for Barley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally he sees it!


	6. Violet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ravenwing retreats the safety of his room, only to be faced with a torrent of new feelings and thoughts.

  


  
Ravenwing quietly left the barn and ran at the first sign of the sleeping clan waking up. Despite how tired he was from the watch he took throughout the night, his heart pounded and his mind was racing.

He liked Barley, it was a simple realization but the weight of it was like the sky itself was collapsing onto him.   
He had feelings for Barley. The warm feeling he felt in his chest whenever they spent time together, the tingling in his stomach when even the smallest physical contact occurred between them.   
The way he felt when Barley complimented him, or when he was patient with him and regarded him as a friend.

The last thought alone made his face feel flushed, he was Barley's friend now. They were friends and Barley didn't hate him or think of him as a weakness, least of all as a problem to be fixed.  
Ravenwing paused when he reached the door, the cool metal handle offered some grounding comfort for his whirling mind.  
He took a deep breath to steady himself and gently pushed the door open. He was thankful that Barley had left it unlocked for him, that mean he didn't have to face his friend right away, he would have time to sort out his feelings.

As he stepped into the kitchen and locked the door behind him, as he knew Barley preferred, he noted that Barley wasn't anywhere in sight.  
Relief washed over him as he quietly made his way towards the guest room, his bedroom.  
With Barley out doing whatever he was tending to, he could get some sleep or more likely stare at the familiar ceiling as he fought desperately against the thoughts of how nice it had been to be held close the day before. It had felt terribly nice to have someone hold him, though it began to make him realize how much he longed for the feeling.  
With a lengthy sigh he reached down to open the door only to have it swing open and Barley nearly collided with him, a held basket precariously on one arm.  
Barley immediately secured the basket with both arms and beamed at Ravenwing with a carefree smile.  
“Mornin’ Ravenwing! Have your friends left already?” Ravenwing swallowed and gave his head a brief shake, returning Barley's smile hesitantly. “Yeah, sort of. Um, they just started waking up so I figured I'd let them sort out the rest themselves. It was nice to see them again but I stayed up overnight and I'm exhausted, I'm just about to get some sleep now.” Ravenwing explained. He found it hard to meet Barley's eyes now that he knew why he felt strange.  
Thankfully, Barley didn't seem to pick up on the change and continued down the hall.  
“Sure thing, there's more of my old clothes in your closet now, ‘figured it'd work for you.” Barley yawned and disappeared into his own bedroom.  
Ravenwing called a hasty ‘thank you’ before retreating to the lonely safety of his room.

Ravenwing fell back on the bed with a lengthy sigh. Thoughts flooded through his head in the quiet darkness of the room like a swarm of bees. He held a pillow tightly to his chest, a futile attempt to crush the tingling sensation inside him.  
At least he could come to terms with the feeling knowing that Barley was a good person with positive intentions and a dedicated personality. Ravenwing truly couldn't find any fault with the man, he liked to relax but at the same time he worked hard. His life was different than the life of a clan warrior, but Ravenwing found him to be as committed as any warrior.  
He threw an arm over his eyes as if it would do anything to slow the feelings, or the rapid beating of his heart. Ravenwing never thought he would feel this way about anyone, especially back in Thunderclan, but everything was different now.

He let out another sigh. It wasn't as if having feelings for another man was unheard of in clan life, it wasn't even uncommon in romantic partnerships. Whether it was platonic or otherwise, strong bonds between warriors were never discouraged by Bluestar. But he wasn't part of clan life anymore and despite the fact that Barley didn't seem the type of person to judge another, it worried him to a small degree that his feelings might push a boundary with him.  
Ravenwing knew his feelings for Barley didn't simply arise from the man being nice to him either, it was a base to start from but his scruffy appearance was endearing and the way he laughed made a jolt run through Ravenwing every time he heard it.  
Ravenwing knew from the way Dustpaw regarded Sandpaw that he felt was similar, if not the exact same over Barley, though definitely with less fawning. He had come to respect Barley as much as any Clan warrior and despite his feelings, he was content with their friendship right then. It was all so new to him anyway, the steady friendship they had built over the last week was growing as strong as any clan bond.

With another sigh he tugged the thick blanket from the foot of the bed and pulled it over himself, the bright sunlight of dawn was beginning to flood the room and the sight of it was enough to remind him of how tired he felt. His racing thoughts settled finally with the weight of exhaustion.   
Ravenwing found a simple happiness in the idea that Barley liked having him around. 

Fireheart had said Barley seemed appreciative of him, that was another foreign feeling to him. He had friends in Thunderclan and they had supported him through the rough years, but he hadn’t ever felt appreciated with Tigerclaw as his mentor.  
He let himself drift off, content with the way things were.

When Ravenwing woke up his body felt heavy and his head was pounding. He sat up, but immediately regretted the action as a wave of dizziness overwhelmed him. He carefully swung his legs over the edge of the bed and brought a hand to his reeling head to steady himself.  
With a sigh he pushed himself up reluctantly, he felt as though he’d been asleep for a moon. A glance out the window showed him that the sun was high in the sky, he guessed it was noon at this point.

Back in Thunderclan he knew Tigerclaw would have struck him for sleeping in that long, but now he was sure Barley wouldn't care. His easygoing lifestyle ran on a far less strict schedule and though Ravenwing still found himself waking up before dawn out of habit, it was getting easier to fall back asleep.   
Ravenwing ran a hand through his hair, though it did very little to tame the natural wavy mess that it had become the feeling woke him up a little more. His clearer thoughts settled on the night before, he’d reunited with his Thunderclan friends, they had sheltered in Barley’s barn with the lost Windclan for the night and he’d kept watch for them until morning.   
The pounding in his head receded finally with only the dryness of his mouth and the hazy fog of sleep remaining from the long night in the barn. Ravenwing made his way into the hallway, intent on sorting out the disheveled mess of his hair before he got on with his day when the final realization he’d come to before hit him as his eyes fell on Barley’s closed bedroom door. 

Without the weight of exhaustion on his mind, the feelings he’d come to terms with before were clearer and hit him once more as he stumbled into the little bathroom. As he combed his hair in a futile attempt to tame the curls that became more apparent with the more frequent washing he put it through now he reflected on his revelation with a now clear mind.

Ravenwing knew he had feelings for Barley, strong feelings that he had at first attributed to the sort of bond he shared with his friends in Thunderclan, but now he knew they were different than that. He’d never felt this way before but he wanted to make Barley laugh and stay up talking to him all night, listening to him talk about anything. When Barley had listened to him and embraced him yesterday, part of him didn’t ever want the feeling to end. Ravenwing felt so safe out here, though a huge part of him still missed his home in Thunderclan he felt it was starting to feel like home here too. 

The sound of laughter, light and airy jarred him back to reality and he gave up flattening the curls of his hair to investigate. He leaned carefully out into the hall and quickly heard what sounded like a young woman from Barley’s living room. Racking his mind he could vaguely recall Barley telling him he’d have company today, though he couldn't remember any more. 

Hearing Barley quietly reply to the mystery woman drove his curiosity and overtook the small amount of anxiety he felt about the stranger. Ravenwing began to make his way down the hall but he was cut off by Barley rounding the corner and nearly running into him.   
“Ravenwing! I was just coming to find you.” He beamed as he grabbed him by the hand and began to lead Ravenwing to the living room with him. “I told you my sister was dropping by today, right? This is Violet.”

Ravenwing was introduced to the young woman, she looked around his age and she had straight honey brown hair that reached her shoulders along with a gentle face that reminded him of Barley, though she seemed much more well rested. She politely stood up from the chair with the aid of a flower patterned walking cane and shook his hand with a sincere smile. “Hello Ravenwing, Barley was just telling me about how you’re helping him out around here. It’s about time he had someone else out here to keep him company.” Violet shot a glare at Barley, though Ravenwing could hear the teasing tone of her voice. She gave him the impression of someone who was almost never angry and her friendly expression returned as she looked back to him.  
“He also told me you came from the forest, that sounds very exciting!” She went on and Ravenwing found himself a little panicked, just how much had Barley explained?  
“Y-Yes, I was born to Thunderclan in the forest, but I think I’m much better suited out here.” He cleared his throat to keep the the wariness from his voice and when Violet excused herself to the kitchen for a glass of water he took the chance to ask Barley.   
“How much have you told her about where I came from?” He watched Violet around the corner into the kitchen, the urgency must have been obvious in his tone because Barley looked caught off-guard before quickly replying.   
“Not much, just that you came from a group called Thunderclan. I figured you’d wanna talk about that at your own pace so I left most of it alone.” Ravenwing felt relief and gratefulness wash over him as Violet returned from the kitchen and reclaimed the armchair, leaning her cane against the side as she sat down. It made him happy that Barley was so considerate, on top of everything else that made him so nice and had Ravenwing drawn to him in the first place.   
Ravenwing politely excused himself to the kitchen for food to let the siblings have time to talk to themselves. He settled on toast with jam and a glass of water, he chewed on it absently until the sound of his name caught his ears.   
He started to chew more slowly, slightly ashamed of his eavesdropping though curiosity won over the guilt as he tipped his head to a little to listen closer. For once he was thankful for his honed senses, clan life gave him something useful in the long run.

He could hear Violet’s soft voice quickly speaking with Barley, her voice had an excited tone as she went on.   
“Ravenwing is his name? So he’s really from the woods, right? He seems so gentle and nice, definitely not like anyone from Bloodclan! Oh goodness, it must be so nice finally having help around here. About time too, so what’s he like? Do you like having him around?” She prattled on in a whisper. Ravenwing quickly finished his toast and made a point of setting his plate into the sink with a noticeable sound before shuffling back to the living room across the hall. \  
By the time he made his way there Violet had seemingly composed herself, though curiosity was still apparent in her expression. He hadn’t heard Barley’s response, and part of him was thankful he hadn’t. He figured Barley liked having him around as his friends had said as much, but hearing it from him right now would have been a little overwhelming.  
Barley motioned next to himself on the sofa as invitation to sit down and after a brief moment of hesitation he briskly paced to the seat and found himself sitting stiffly with his hands on his knees while Violet, barely containing herself, began to ask questions about how living in the clans worked at a rapid pace.  
“Vi, don’t you overwhelm him now.” Barley teased while he slung an arm over the back of the sofa and sank deeper into his position to get comfortable. “Oh, no it’s okay! Really!” Ravenwing rushed to wave his hands in dismissal before Violet could feel bad, but her curious expression didn’t waver. “I don’t mind talking about Thunderclan, it might not be home anymore but I miss it a little.” 

Violet went on asking questions about how life worked, how they all worked together and what they did for fun, how they got such interesting names and how they thrived each day. Ravenwing was relieved that she didn’t press as to why he didn’t live with them anymore and he guessed that Barley had asked her not to.   
Over the course of the conversation he found himself more comfortable, Violet was friendly and didn’t seem to fall into any negativity, he could respect that being who he was. He had noticed after talking about the origin of his distinctive mark that she had a couple of pale scars on the right side of her face, they were long and thin and he found they were too clean and straight to be from any fall. Then again he couldn’t see someone like her ever engaged in a fight of any sort, and out of respect he didn’t ask where they came from.   
Finally she seemed satisfied with all the answers he gave and turned to Barley who seemed pleasantly out of it, lost in his own thoughts until his sister reclaimed is attention. 

Ravenwing was thankful for it, Violet began to rattle off farm work related questions that Barley replied to with the same sense of ease he always carried. It seemed that while Barley did the physical labour Violet took to managing the non-physical aspects, she had a small booklet with her that she wrote into as they conversed.  
He assumed that while she was well adapted to walking with her cane she left the heavy farm work to her brother, but he found it ran smoothly like clan life with both of them focusing on their strengths and working together for a common goal.

‘How would someone like you ever fit in a place this functional?’ 

The sudden venom of his thoughts startled him, but he felt a stab of apprehension in his stomach. He felt utterly useless in clan life, or at the very least he had grown up to think as much. What made him think he would do any better on a farm? If it didn’t work out, he’d be letting more than just himself down. The idea of letting down Barley, a person who had been so kind to him and patient with his problems so far, it felt like his stomach was tying itself into knots. Ravenwing felt so strongly for his new friend, it would be like losing Thunderclan all over again. Maybe just as bad, maybe worse.

Then Barley had a hand on his shoulder again, he snorted a laugh and the sound brought Ravenwing back to reality. He hadn’t realized he was holding his breath until his lungs started to hurt, he steadied himself carefully when Barley turned back to him.

“Hey Ravenwing, back me up here, please?” Barley pulled him closer and gestured to Violet. “See he’ll tell you, I’ve been working hard, right?”  
Despite the cold prickle of anxiety that was just starting to fade, Ravenwing couldn’t help feeling more relieved already with Barley’s upbeat tone and steadying presence.   
“Well sure.” He began, tearing his gaze from the Barley to Violet with a small smile. “I mean, if you can consider sleeping in the hayloft working hard, then yes. Absolutely, no doubt.” 

He couldn’t resist, and the reaction from both Barley and Violet was worth the shot. Incredulous shock and undeniable glee respectively. The painful thorns of anxiety he’d felt before were almost completely gone now, Barley had already said he liked having him around. He didn’t need to worry about any of that right now, it wasn’t like Thunderclan here.

Barley feigned hurt, stating he couldn’t take this sort of mutiny as he retreated to the kitchen. He was surprised when he felt no apprehension being left alone with Violet, it might’ve been her cheery laughter or the way she smiled, but he already felt relaxed around her, as if he had known her longer than only an hour.   
“Ravenwing, I’m glad I get a moment with you. You can’t imagine how happy I am that you’re here, I’ve been trying to convince Barley to get some help around here for ages! He’s gonna hurt himself if he keeps trying to do all this work by himself.” She rolled her eyes with a sigh, then leaned forward and gave his hand a gentle pat before she continued. “Anyway, I hope you can convince him to get some rest, I can tell by his eyes that he’s been up all night on a regular basis again.” 

Ravenwing listened to Violet go on about her older brother, he learned that Barley was nearly twenty-six years old but his lack of sleep and pushing himself a little too hard made him look older. It had surprised him to learn Barley was only five years older than him, though it surprised him a little more to learn that Violet was a healer in the city she came from, she informed him that healers like herself were nurses and despite her gentle appearance, she had likely seen just as much blood as any clan healer.

Violet reminded him of Spottedleaf, she seemed to be deeply caring and unwilling to let anyone suffer by the stories she told him, all the wounds she had helped heal.  
He never thought the city would be so violent, he couldn’t imagine it being like the clans where warriors fought to defend their clans. Then again, Violet had mentioned a clan before, Bloodclan as he recalled.  
Maybe there were clans outside of the forest lands that he’d never heard of, but seeing what clan life had been like he knew it would never suit him like living out on Barley’s farm did.

It was a rocky path to get here, but the sounds of Barley working in the kitchen and Violet talking about how much work Barley put into restoring the farmland, it already felt natural to him. 

It wasn’t Thunderclan, and a part of him was happy that it never would be, but it was just beginning to feel a little bit like a home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaand we're back, took a break and ended up getting a new job, but we're back! <3


	7. Sawdust and Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ravenwing revisits an old skill from Thunderclan and Barley's shadows catch up with him.

  


Barley returned to the living room after a few minutes more, he carried a couple plates of food with him and set one down for each of them before sitting down.  
“Thank you Barley.” Ravenwing said quietly. He hasn't wanted to say anything, but he had been hungry after his meager breakfast.  
“Not a problem, besides, Violet will use her cane as a bludgeoning weapon if we don't eat a proper meal.” He winked and Ravenwing silently cursed the telltale flutter of his heart.  
Violet said nothing in response but the devious look on her face gave him the impression it wasn't far from the truth.

Ravenwing bit into his sandwich slowly at first, but after a moment he realized just how hungry he was and devoured the rest so quickly it almost hurt. Barley and Violet took to their food a little more slowly than he had, he listened intently as they discussed the coming harvest and the shift into woodworking and repair for the winter.

“Oh, speaking of which,” Violet said suddenly. “Ravenwing, do you have any experience with woodwork or repair?” He cleared his throat before mustering a reply.  
“Um, sort of I guess? It’s likely a bit different than what I’ve seen Barley do in terms of building, but we repair a lot of things ourselves so I think I could learn? Especially if it helps, uh, I really want to be helpful.” He stammered.  
“Hey, I’m sure you will be. If I can learn from next to nothing, I’m sure you’ll be fine. Especially with your past work.” Barley added, Ravenwing felt his heart thumping loudly and he ran a hand into his hair nervously.  
“Right! So after lunch we could get right to it, best to get a head start on this considering it’ll be time to harvest soon. Maybe now that you finally have an extra hand around here we’ll be able to work this out a little more smoothly. No more staying up all night to get work done, Barley.” Violet narrowed her eyes. “Ravenwing, if he tries that, knock him out for me.” She smacked a fist against her open palm in a threatening manner.  
Barley waved his hands in surrender, he gave Ravenwing a fond half smile and rolled his eyes. “If you say so Vi.”

After they finished Violet excitedly ushered them away to the workshop, she claimed excitedly that she wanted to get started right away and to see what Ravenwing could do.  
He felt a bit nervous at that prospect, he figured he could do just about anything they needed or learn whatever new project they had at hand, but the fear of failure was still strong in him.  
It wouldn’t be like Thunderclan, Tigerclaw wouldn’t be around to send him on some dangerous ‘courage building’ task if he failed, but he wasn’t eager to disappoint them either.

They stepped inside the small brick building behind Barley’s home and immediately the familiar scent of sawdust hit him, it was nostalgic in a way. He could recall learning the basics of fixing things with Sandpaw and Dustpaw. He remembered working with his hands and fixing the camp walls with wood they cut to size themselves and the rush of pride when he was praised by the clan elders, they had said he had the same skill his father had.

He dragged his thoughts back to the present moment and Barley began to give him a guide of the layout, where he kept his supplies and materials as well as where finished or repaired products went. It was similar, though clearly of higher quality and function than the simple setup they had in Thunderclan.

“Um, to be honest I’m a little worried, I really want to live up to the expectations you two have for me, but I’m a little unfamiliar with the higher quality tools you have out here. Back in Thunderclan we mostly used handsaws and scavenged wood from the where the city throws their old construction waste.” Ravenwing began to ramble, he knew he was letting his anxiety get the best of him, but he felt now he couldn’t help it. He wanted so badly to impress them, Barley in particular, he wanted to feel useful while he lived here.

“Hey, I was terrible when I first tried, I didn’t know what I was doing and it took me a full year of practice to get anywhere decent with woodwork, I think you’ll do fine Ravenwing.” Barley replied, he laid a gentle hand on Ravenwing’s shoulder and he felt some of his fear retreat under the comforting action.  
“Besides, there’s no real expectation here. I’m just happy Barley finally has someone else out here to keep an eye on him.” Violet added, and her encouraging words caused the rest of his fears to fade away. He liked knowing her already, she and Spottedleaf would’ve likely enjoyed each other's company.

 

With his fears pushed aside, Ravenwing set to work on a simple task to start. He began to sand the finished pieces, a skill he’d always enjoyed, though none of the other apprentices seemed to have the patience for it in Thunderclan. He found it relaxing in a strange way, the repetition of a simple action left him free to talk or let his mind wander, though right now he found himself watching Barley as he was cutting a piece of wood to size, a new leg for a table that Violet brought to fix.

He hadn’t realized just how strong Barley was until he watched him pick the slab of wood up with ease and quickly measure and cut it down. He would’ve made a good warrior, he was loyal and friendly, but he looked as though he’d have the strength to fight along with someone like Willowpelt or even Whitestorm.  
He knew by now that Barley likely wouldn’t enjoy clan life, he didn’t seem to be someone to be found comfortable in a crowd, especially one with Tigerclaw as second-in-command, but his strengths found a way to shine through regardless.

“Are you alright Ravenwing? You look a bit troubled.” Violet appeared in front of him, she had the same look of concern he often saw on Barley and he knew he must’ve been on the verge of panicking. He shook it off quickly, Barley gave him a sympathetic look as he quickly explained that he just had a bit of anxiety but he was now fine.  
“Well, if you ever need to talk I am a nurse, I’ve seen just about everything anxiety related and I’m always ready to listen.”  
Ravenwing simply nodded and returned to the rhythmic sanding, eternally grateful as Barley began to ask Violet about he recent patients. He listened to her go on about the, in her words, stupid young people constantly getting into trouble to prove their bravery or strength.  
He couldn’t help but snort at that news, they sounded a lot like the hot-headed new warriors eager to prove themselves, maybe clans and city dwellers weren’t entirely different.

 

By the end of their day he had sanded the edges of a considerable pile of woodwork, he felt a strong sense of pride in his work and any earlier anxiety he had felt had evaporated. They returned to the farmhouse for dinner and while they dug into the pasta Barley had heated up, Ravenwing took the time to reflect on his day.

He had learned that through Violet’s path in healing, she had met some of the clan healers before when they visited the cities and towns on their missionary work. He was surprised to learn that she was familiar with Spottedleaf, though only in passing.  
Violet expressed sadness and sympathy upon hearing about her sudden death, it was an inevitable part of clan life at times, but losing a healer in such a way had sent the clan into turmoil.  
It had all been part of the chaos that lead to him running from his home clan, with almost nothing in the way of personal belongings and his life in immediate danger. Now he was dead in the eyes of Thunderclan, nobody knew the truth and he was miles away from it all with a new life just beginning.  
It had been a living nightmare, but he already felt like he was fitting in better in the loner’s farm life than among the people he had known all his life. Ravenwing knew it was all the work of Tigerclaw, and he fought back the dread that even now clung to him. Speckletail openly mistrusted him before he left and his older sister drove him away when he tried to check on the children.  
Tigerclaw had been the driving force behind his clan's mistrust, but now he had something better, something even Tigerclaw couldn’t take away from him. As long as the murderous deputy thought he was dead, Ravenwing could start living his new life with Barley. 

New life, new home. This was going to be his home now, he was still not used to the feeling after the week he’d spent in the farmhouse. Violet had referred to it as his home a few times earlier and each time she did it gave him a feeling of true happiness deep inside him that radiated from his core.  
Ravenwing had a home now with Barley, a man he came to appreciate so much over the first week with him. He felt flustered at the idea, but deep down he latched on to every time Violet regarded his presence here as a good thing. She had implied Barley seemed happy with him around, even going as far as saying he seemed a little more rested this week.

His face tingled with the growing heat and he curled his toes against the carpet in an attempt to drive away the thoughts. He could’ve brushed it off as desperation for approval, but he knew better than that, it went far deeper as his feelings for Barley rooted deep in him. Violet appeared to like him, she seemed happy that Barley had him around now and the thought made him fight a smile that tugged hard at the edges of his mouth. 

Ravenwing covered his mouth stubbornly with his sleeve and looked up in time to catch Barley giving him a fond smile before turning back to his conversation with Violet.  
His heart was racing again, he offered to take the dishes away to be washed and give them a chance to talk themselves as well as a strong excuse to retreat to the safety of the kitchen.

He’d just finished drying the last of their dishes when he heard his name from the hallway, Barley appeared around the corner as Ravenwing dried his hands.  
“Hey, Violet wants to say goodbye. She’s by the front door now. Thanks for that, by the way.” Barley grinned and Ravenwing brushed the gesture off as he rounded the corner sheepishly.

Violet took his hand immediately, her eyes shining and a signature bright smile wide on her face. She leaned onto her cane carefully and wrapped one arm around him in a gentle hug. “Thank you Ravenwing, I’m so incredibly happy Barley finally has someone else looking out for him. Take care, both of you.” She whispered, Ravenwing gave her a gentle pat back, far too shocked to come up with a very coherent reply.  
He just nodded and swallowed thickly, the knot in his throat returned as the weight of her words hit him in a way he wasn’t sure she quite understood. He smiled nonetheless as she said goodbye to her brother, Ravenwing held the door as she turned and left. Barley watched her red truck pull off onto the dark road before he closed the door and carefully locked it. 

“She was nice Barley, it must be lovely to have a sibling you’re close to.” Ravenwing mused, though Barley didn’t meet his eyes as he nodded in return.  
“Anyway, I feel like I could sleep for a week. Do you need anything before I turn in for the night?” Barley asked. Ravenwing shook his head and bid his housemate a good night before retreating to the bedroom he occupied. 

It had been a good day spent in good company, but he couldn’t help a nagging feeling in the back of his mind. There was a feeling in his chest, something similar to worry but with more of a sting. He couldn’t place it and instead shoved whatever it was to the farthest corner of his head. Instead of dwelling on it he picked up a book from the almost overflowing shelf. Barley collected books of every type and there was no shortage of new things to learn from the immense trove of books in the farmhouse.

 

A few hours passed and Ravenwing found himself still wide awake, halfway into an encyclopedia full of information around things starting with the letter ‘C’. They had some books in Thunderclan, it was important that all clan members learned reading and writing so they could all do their part in writing out clan history and things they wanted remembered for a very long time.  
Ravenwing had always found it fun to read back on the history of Thunderclan, some of the greatest battles they fought and short stories of some of the clan’s most brave and noble warriors. He always had been better suited for reading and recounting the tales to other apprentices than the physical fighting. 

Now as he bookmarked his page, he resigned himself to the fact that sleep would evade him for now.  
“Maybe a glass of water would help.” He grumbled to himself and pulled himself off the bed with a sigh. Ravenwing stretched out his sore body, sitting in one position for so long made him ache to the bone.  
He shuffled into the hallway, intent on grabbing his cup from the bathroom and retreating to his room when he heard a cough. He knew Barley was prone to bouts of insomnia too, he’d spent enough time around him to know that as a fact and before he could think about it his feet carried him towards the living room.

He stopped at the corner, the glow of the fireplace illuminated the otherwise dark area and he quickly spotted Barley on the sofa.  
He was about to call out a greeting when he noticed Barley was hunched over, his face was in his hands and his shoulders were shaking.  
Ravenwing knew all too well from personal experience that Barley was crying, he was torn between giving him space and hiding away in his room or trying to talk to his friend. His heart wrenched, he took a step forward and a deep breath, Barley was kind enough to listen when he had a nightmare or just needed to talk, it was only right that he offered the same courtesy.

‘More than courtesy.’ He thought. Barley was his friend, and someone he held in high regard as well as some strong feelings that claimed his heart. He had to try at least.

“Hey, Barley?” Ravenwing whispered, he didn’t want to startle Barley, especially if he was distraught.  
Barley flinched but slowly turned until he could see Ravenwing standing nervously behind him, one hand raised cautiously and worry painting his features.  
“Hey. Sorry, I didn’t hear you come in. Uh, I mean-” Barley turned away again, roughly rubbing at his eyes before clearing his throat. “Did I wake you?”  
The question caught him off guard, but he rushed to reply with a hasty dismissal. “No, not at all. Um, are you alright?”  
Ravenwing berated himself the moment the words left his lips, clearly his friend wasn’t, his red eyes and flushed face were an obvious giveaway to that. Barley was quiet but Ravenwing slowly made his way around the sofa and took the seat next to him and he responded. “I mean, sort of. I, sorry I’m not very good at this. Heh.” Barley was staring at the table now, a sad smile on his face that Ravenwing didn’t like at all. 

“Do you want to talk about it Barley?” He offered, putting a hand on his friend’s shoulder as Barley usually did for him.  
“I- Maybe, um, I mean yes. I just need a minute.” Barley leaned over and plucked a box of tissues from the table. “Just had a nightmare, kind of got to me, y’know?”  
Ravenwing nodded, he had some awful nightmares about Tigerclaw finding him that left him shaking even when he was awake. He’d talked to Barley about it and since that seemed to help him, he figured it would be the best action now.  
“You can tell me about it if you want to, it helped me when I told you about the one with Tigerclaw coming here. It’s incredibly unlikely and even if he did know I was alive he wouldn’t know where to start looking, you told me that.” He recounted, Barley had also hugged him tightly and while he left that out, it had been the most reassuring thing he’d ever felt.  
“But, it’s a long story and I don’t want to keep you up.” Barley began, but Ravenwing waved a hand dismissively. “I was awake anyway, I don’t mind staying up. You do what you need to.”

“Alright, if you’re sure. It’s not a very good one, but after what you told me about your past, I’m sure you could understand. The nightmare was a lot like yours, but part of my own past caught up with me. Ravenwing, I’ve told you my life was rough before I found this place and sometimes it still gets to me. I had a horrible dream that it all came back and Violet got caught up in it and she ended up…” He trailed off, and Ravenwing got the picture. 

“What happened in your past Barley? Did you have your own Tigerclaw?” 

“Sort of, Ravenwing. Y’see, I almost used to be part of a clan myself. Not willingly and certainly not as noble or familial as yours, it was brutal and we barely got out with our lives. I came from the city, where a group called Bloodclan ruled the streets.”


	8. Barley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barley recounts everything that brought him to where he is now, it got a lot worse before it was better.

  


Barley’s father hadn’t stuck around very much, he’d disappeared completely before Violet was born, Barley was never sure if he died or just moved on, but with two kids in a small apartment it was a small detail on the matter.  
He was gone and it was only his mother there to raise Violet and himself, she did the best she could under the circumstances but he remembered more times than he could count that she would often skip eating so they could. She spent so much time working to support them that Barley learned to care for himself and his sister who was only seven years old.

It went on that way until her health took a turn for the worst, it had never been very stable in the first place. She was sick often and Barley found himself taking care of himself and his sister more often than not by the time he was ten years old. It wasn’t easy, but he didn’t know much else.  
Then his world turned on itself one day, he came home to find a woman he didn’t know in their apartment, she was writing something down when he walked in.

Barley didn’t remember the details, he knew something was wrong and he could only recall him and Violet being ushered away into a vehicle and given very little information about what happened.  
All they were told was that their mother was in the hospital, there was a lot of blurring between then and being dropped off in a home with a couple of other kids.  
It was even worse than before, on one hand they were close in age to the twins that lived there as well, Jumper and Hoot as they’d introduced themselves and found a quick friendship with them.  
But the adults of the household weren’t even home most of the time, Barley had been used to taking care of himself, but living in that dangerous neighbourhood with it being completely unsafe to be anywhere after dark made it difficult to stay safe.  
Barley learned quickly that keeping the door locked at all times, even in midday was essential to be protected from the outside world. He tried his best to keep Violet away from it, but there was only so much he could dismiss as wild animals or just a test from the police.  
He learned very quickly to hoard away all the money he came across, he stuffed it all into a sock and his hid it carefully away, just like he used to at home, in case of an emergency.

They’d hardly spent a year in that house before the foster program employees caught on that there was hardly any adult supervision and the children were left to care for each other.  
Jumper and Hoot ran away, they often talked about running off and joining a street gang. “It’s the only way to not get killed on streets like this.” Hoot had informed him one night as they watched a police car speed down the road, sirens and lights blaring. “Once we get outta here, Jumper and I are gonna find the strongest leader on the streets and work with them, it’s either join in or get killed for bein’ in their way.”  
“Why not leave? Find something better than a street gang to be part of?” Barley had asked, part of him still held onto the faint hope that his mother would be alive and they could find her, leave this awful town and be a family once more.  
“Yeah right, like any of us could find something better growin’ up in a place like this.” 

They were gone, they lost the closest thing they had to family again. It was just him and Violet now.  
He stared at their room, now almost empty as they packed up what little they had and prepared to leave with the social workers again.  
He figured they would be off to another home like this one, maybe they would have a better adult figure in their lives.  
He made his way towards the kitchen when he overheard the woman on the phone. Barley froze, he should’ve known better than to listen to what she was saying, but he couldn’t help himself. Curiosity won out and he listened to her talk for a few minutes.

He didn’t know what everything she was saying meant, being only thirteen at the time he didn’t know what words like ‘emancipation’ meant. It was the shorter words that filled him in, phrases like ‘they’ll be separated, unfortunately.’ and he put the pieces together.  
Violet would go to live with another family, he wouldn’t be going with her. He wanted to throw up right there, but he held back the nausea that nearly overtook him. He slowly made his way back to their room, Violet was sitting on the bed playing with her little pendant necklace with hardly a care in the world.  
“Barley, are you okay? You don’t look too good.” Even at her young age she was already perceptive of the world around her, it had made it harder to keep her innocent to the world beyond their doorstep lately.  
Now it felt like the house itself would crash down around them.  
Barley forced a wide smile onto his face, beaming down at his little sister as best as he could. “I will be Vi, listen to me, okay? We’re gonna leave right now, um, to help the nice lady out! It would be the nice thing to do, see she’s gonna have a lot of trouble getting all our stuff to where we want to go.”  
He took out his hidden stash of money, a surprising amount that he learned could be collected when you knew where to look. 

With one last look at the room around him, he took Violet and climbed out the window and into the spring morning outside. He couldn’t let them be separated, maybe it was selfishness or fear, but he didn’t want to be alone. 

They stayed away from the main roads and steered clear of any figures of real authority until they found their way to a bus terminal. Barley, thinking quickly, informed the man selling bus tickets that they were on their way to their grandparents house for the weekend. Not enough information to raise suspicion, but also enough to justify why a young teenage boy and his younger sister were alone at a bus station.  
He had always been fortunate enough to look a little bit older than he was, it helped him get a summer job delivering newspapers and avoiding the uncertainty of any responsible adult figures. Once they were on the bus, he finally felt some relief. Violet sat in the bus seat next to him, excited about their adventure and blissfully ignorant as to how much trouble Barley was likely getting them into.

An hour or so later found them gone from the small town where they grew up and into the vast landscape of buildings and a forest of tall structures so rarely seen in the place he’d known all his life. Maybe they really could find their mother here, the hospitals in the city seemed so much bigger and more well equipped for long-term patients.

The hope was small, but it was enough to drive him into staying there. Barley found an abandoned building after their first night on the streets, a blessing in the otherwise dark and massive unknown. It was then that he realized he’d have to tell Violet the truth, and while the news that they were on their own now scared her, she took it in stride remarkably well.  
She didn’t want to be alone either.

It would work for the time being, until he found a youth hostel where he and Violet stayed for some time and he managed to scrounge and save whatever money he could until he found real work that wasn’t washing cars on the street or manual labour for the temporary, and probably not quite legal physical labour groups. 

All was as well as it could be for a while, Barley found himself a job cleaning tables and washing dishes at a local restaurant while Violet was safe enough in their dwelling with a few other kids in oddly similar situations. 

As the years progressed, they finally found a decent dwelling in an apartment, they had it subleased from another tenant for the summer. It would give him enough time to save up until he could claim emancipation and rent their own housing. He quickly learned that the city held just as many dangers as the small town did. The violent neighbourhood he spent his time in felt minuscule compared to how much happened on the streets. 

Hoot had been right about them, it really was a join or die situation for people living on the streets. He and Violet were fortunate enough to avoid it until one day Barley was out a little too late, he took a shortcut back home only to be stopped by a fierce looking man who seemed twice his size. He was Bone, he claimed he was the deputy of a group known as Bloodclan and Barley was found trespassing.  
He shook with terror and offered the food he had from work as an apology, along with the handful of tips he made that day. Bone took the offer and for a moment Barley thought he’d be off the hook.  
He was wrong, Bone drew back and punched him soundly in the stomach. He crumpled to the ground and Bone knelt down in front of him.  
“Don’t ever let me catch you in Bloodclan territory or that’ll be the least of your problems. Get out of my sight.” He hissed and Barley watched as he walked back down the alley. He scrambled to his feet and ran back the way he came, the strike had hurt a little but he felt more out of breath from the intensity of the situation more than anything. 

He took the long way back to their apartment and found Violet worried sick over him. He couldn’t bare to lie about it and told her everything, he wanted to keep her safe and now that would mean being completely honest with her.  
“I think it would be safest if you stayed home as much as possible, don’t go out unless I’m with you and it’s daytime.” Barley concluded, Violet was twelve years old now and more capable of keeping herself safe, but he still felt the need to make sure she knew how important it was.

These people, Bloodclan as Bone had called it, they likely wouldn’t hesitate to hurt either of them. Barley shuddered and Violet said nothing as they both watched the news on their little television.

It was a few months after that first incident when he ran into Jumper and Hoot again, but the reunion wasn’t anything he’d hoped for. He hadn’t known the park nearby had been included as part of Bloodclan’s territory until one of their thugs caught him passing through very early one morning. He’d been kicked enough to feel it all over and he was fairly certain he was bleeding from somewhere on his head when he ran into the twins, now much bigger and angrier than he’d remembered them.  
“Jumper? Hoot? Is that you?” Barley pulled his jacket tightly around his body, he expected them to react in some way, any sort of recognition of him, but they just glared at him as if they didn’t remember living in under the same roof for nearly a year.

They did remember, as it turned out they didn’t care. They now called themselves Snake and Ice, aligned with the deadly Bloodclan. Barley remembered vividly what Hoot- Snake, as he now called himself, had said before they had run away.  
‘Join in or be killed for being in their way’.  
He could see it in their eyes now, they weren’t the same boys he knew then and if he stuck around he’d have more than a few bruises to deal with. 

Without thinking he ran up the road and away from the park, shoving it all aside as he pushed his aching body to run. He caught a bus and blearily climbed on it as it began its trip through downtown. Barley didn’t realize he’d fallen asleep until the bus hit a bump and he was jarred awake. He didn’t recognize the neighbourhood it was lumbering through now, but it was far too nice to be anywhere near his end of the city. He hurriedly got off at the next stop and plucked a schedule from the door as he stepped off.  
At least it would take him back the way he came, but now he was late for work with no way of calling them. “Maybe someone will have a phone I can use.” He then caught sight of his scruffy appearance in the glass of the bus shelter and thought better of it. His face was bruised and there was a cut on his eyebrow that was the clear source of the blood that he’d wiped off earlier.  
It was a wonder the bus driver had even let him on the bus in the first place.

He contemplated waiting for the next bus to take him back the way he came and just dealing with the repercussions of not showing up to work later when a small voice jarred him from his thoughts.  
“Hi there!”  
Barley looked over to see a young boy, probably seven if he had to guess, peering at him curiously from the chain link fence that separated his yard from the sidewalk. His hair was a mop of brown that hung nearly to his wide brown eyes that took in Barley’s battered appearance with wonder.  
“Are you okay? You look like you could use a bandage, wait right here!” Before he could say anything, the kid ran back into his house and Barley was left standing there wondering whether he should run or not. Before he could make up his mind, the door swung open and the young boy returned, dragging a woman who was likely his mother behind him.  
When she saw Barley standing on the sidewalk, bruised and bleeding still, she insisted on pulling him inside.  
Her name was Abigail and explained over the course of cleaning up Barley’s wounds that she was a doctor and her son, Felix, or Fuzz as he insisted on being called had told her there was someone hurt on the sidewalk. He weakly introduced himself and tried to insist that she didn’t need to do this, but she dismissed it.  
Barley didn’t speak up much after that, but that didn’t stop Fuzz from badgering him with questions, and when his mother put a stop to that, he continued with all sorts of stories about his life. Barley felt out of place in their immaculate kitchen and even more tense that he couldn’t tell immediately tell Violet where he was or when he would be home again. 

Finally, she seemed satisfied with her work and asked him if he had a parent he could call and in a moment of panic he almost blurted out the truth. A moment of floundering had him admitting that they were alone right now, but only because their mother was out of town. Not a total lie, but not exactly the truth either.  
Thankfully, Doctor Abigail accepted this and offered to give him a ride home. Barley took her offer after weighing the alternative of taking the unknown bus back. He didn’t miss the downward twist her mouth briefly took when he disclosed their address to her, he guessed that the dangerous area he lived in was more well known than he realized. 

After what felt like an eternity, he found himself home. The drive had been mostly silent, a blessing that he appreciated immensely. With that same look she had earlier, she silently scribbled down her phone number and handed it to him.  
“If you need anything more, you can call me. I know I’m a stranger to you, but I’m also a doctor. I do what I can to help, it’s my job.”  
He quietly thanked her and headed back into his apartment. 

Barley knew something was wrong the moment he realized the door was unlocked. 

His worst fear had come to light when he entered the room only to be swiftly knocked aside and thrown to the floor.  
Bone loomed over him and this time he wasn’t alone.  
Snake and Ice stood grimly behind him, along with who he only could assume was Scourge, the infamous leader of Bloodclan.  
“Barley!” Violet cried out, but she was held back by Snake, who snarled in an inhuman way that made Barley flinch.  
Scourge didn’t take his icy gaze off Barley, he stood off to the left of them but he hardly reacted as if it was only the two of them in the room.  
Barley tried to rise to his feet, but Bone stopped him with another hard punch to his back. 

Scourge spoke, and though his voice was higher than Bone’s menacing growl, it was entirely more chilling. “Barley, is it? It seems you’ve been trespassing often in Bloodclan territory. Bone tells your sister broke the same rules.” Though Scourge was smaller and far more pale than his brutes, it only succeeded in making him seem more inhuman.  
“No! Leave her alone, fight me if you have to. She didn’t do anything wrong!” Barley struggled desperately against Bone’s grip, but he couldn’t get himself free.

Barley didn’t hear the rest, he only saw Snake and Ice surrounding Violet, one of them revealed a knife.

He could remember yelling, he could remember fighting vainly against Bone, but there was a flash of pain and he was on the ground. Satisfied with their sick sense of justice, they filed out around him. Bone stopped to snarl his victory, raising Barley by his collar and pulling him into the brute’s face. “Don’t ever try to fight Bloodclan again, We always win.”

He was gone in an instant and Barley was left to crawl to his sister.

Violet was on the floor, there was more blood than he ever thought there could be. He wanted to cry or scream, but he knew that wouldn’t do any good.  
“Barley? Help...me.” He heard her whimper, she was alive! He frantically pulled his jacket off and pressed it to her bleeding leg.  
He struggled to keep his calm, he told her everything would be alright, but the wound on her leg looked deep. Barley scrambled for their phone, thankfully within reach under their table. 

He wasn’t sure what possessed him to call Abigail, but he shakily told her few details and she soon appeared at their doorway, horrified but ready to take action.

He held Violet’s hand the entire ride to the hospital. He waited outside of her room as they stitched her leg up and explained that she may have some lasting nerve damage from the injury.

He took that time to tell the full truth for once, he explained to Abigail everything that had happened, everything that lead to that moment. A strong part of him regretted taking Violet with him, if it weren’t for him she could be safe in home now.  
If he wasn’t a coward.  
She insisted a coward wouldn’t have done all that he had, they would figure something out now.  
But Barley had already come to a conclusion, he knew he had to leave. Violet wouldn’t be safe if he stuck around, but he knew she could be if she stayed here with Abigail and Felix.  
He could tell she didn’t like that idea, she was after all a responsible figure, unlike anyone Barley had known in a long time.  
She made him a compromise, her grandfather had recently passed away and left his farm behind, while her family still owned it, nobody was living there.

He couldn’t believe it, after everything that happened, there was an easy break for freedom from the city and Bloodclan.  
He could stay out of the city and while Violet recovered she would stay under the care of Abigail and her family, she could come visit Barley and he could safely visit her. 

 

A few years down the road Barley had settled into his life at the farmhouse, he remained in contact with Abigail and saw his sister at least once a week.  
Though the past was behind him, it had a lingering effect that Violet seemed to move past, but it clung to him like burrs.  
The forest dwelling clans were somewhat friendlier than the brutal reputation of Bloodclan, to a degree that they left him alone for the most part and he gave them the same space.

While he found some peace with this arrangement, the recent years brought bouts of insomnia as the nightmares reared up at random, they were often violent reminders of what happened and what could have happened if he hadn’t left.  
Violet had called it various things, depression, isolation and largely unhealthy to name a few things. Maybe it was, but it wasn’t as if he was eager to go out either. He liked the comfort and safety of home, though it was lonely more often than not he found solace by throwing himself into work and tiring himself out physically to sleep better at night.

Maybe it wasn’t exactly healthy after all. An unfortunate run in with Thunderclan, a normally level-headed group lead by a proud, but equally fair leader left him reliving his past a little too frequently for a few months. It had died down eventually, but the incident was far from forgotten in his mind. 

When another bout of insomnia claimed him for nearly a week, what little sleep he got was plagued with nightmares and things were overall miserable. Violet insisted repeatedly that she should come live with him, but that would impede her ability to go to school and help people.

Then, that rainy night just a week ago, Violet had gone home hours before after he insisted he was fine, he sat awake in his living room. He was idly reading a book he knew by heart at this point when a knock at his door startled him out of it.  
Barley jolted upright, the worst came to mind first. He dismissed it, no thug or clan brute would bother knocking at this hour if they meant harm.  
He cautiously walked up to his door and peered through the viewer hole, it was no threat on his doorstep,  
Barley recognized the scared Thunderclan apprentice on his doorstep from the run-in with his group the year before. It looked like he was alone, and after a moment’s hesitation he unlocked the many latches and pulled the door open.

An hour later the whole story was out, Barley almost couldn’t believe it, not that he thought Ravenwing had been lying, but that their stories held striking parallels right down to the lasting effect of the trauma they’d both endured.

Barley knew he couldn’t turn the former apprentice away, especially after knowing what had happened. He couldn’t stand by and let someone else face what he did.

Now he wasn’t alone, he slept a little bit better knowing he wasn’t alone in the house and he even found himself enjoying the company of his new housemate. 

He had spent almost all night recounting the story of his life, and Ravenwing had listened to the whole thing without complaint. It was obvious that he saw the parallels between their lives too, now he knew that they both struggled with the shadows that haunted them.

“Well, it’s not like we’re alone in this. I don’t plan on leaving if you don’t want me to, I understand the feeling of not wanting to be alone with so much clinging to your mind.” Ravenwing had concluded.  
Barley agreed, he really didn’t want to be alone anymore. He genuinely liked having Ravenwing around, things felt a lot less awful with someone who understood.

He hardly spared a second thought before he pulled Ravenwing into a hug. “Sorry, uh, is this okay?”  
“Yeah, it’s fine Barley.” He felt a surge of appreciation for his new friend, he was almost overwhelmed with feeling for the first time in a long time.  
Barley wanted to cry again, he felt so happy despite the circumstances that brought them there. Ravenwing wrapped his arms around Barley, he came to the realization that they probably felt the same thing then, safety. 

The farmhouse, Ravenwing, all of it. For the first time, it wasn’t the locks on his door or the lonely life he’d pursued that made him feel safe there, is was having someone who understood what he went through.

By the time the first signs of morning touched the horizon they had both fallen asleep, peacefully slumped over each other on the couch as they both slept soundly for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something Something darkest before dawn


	9. Autumn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It feels like the sensation of calm stillness and vulnerability that a thunderstorm leaves in it's wake. As if simply living is possible again with the ground and everything on it washed clean by the rain and sheer intensity of the storm.

Ravenwing woke up to a sharp ache in his back and neck, a common occurrence when he slept in a position he shouldn’t have. As he began to come back to consciousness the cause of his mild pain became wildly apparent, along with two other very apparent things. He’d fallen asleep on the old sofa, that explained where his aching neck and back came from and why he wasn’t greeted by the familiar ceiling of his guestroom. With a jolt Ravenwing realized he’d fallen asleep with Barley, who was lodged comfortably between himself and the arm of the sofa where he slumped over onto his folded arms. 

Ravenwing stood up so quickly his head swam with darkness for a moment and he had to immediately sit down again, now wouldn’t be a good time to faint at all. Ravenwing glanced to his friend in panic, he was relieved to find Barley still asleep, his face rested on his arms and completely dead to the world. It wasn’t unusual at all to sleep close to one-another in Thunderclan, but Barley wasn’t a clan warrior and despite how strangely comfortable and warm it had been despite being curled up on the worn out cushions with him, he didn’t want to invade Barley’s personal space after all he’d learned about him.

Then again, Barley had hugged him after it all, the sense of similarity between their lives hung heavily over their heads. The parallels between them were uncanny, despite living different lives they somehow faced similar obstacles.   
There had been an unspoken yet unshakable feeling of solidarity between them as they held each other. Ravenwing would have been lying to himself if he said he didn’t revel in the moment for just how nice it felt.

Ravenwing glanced at Barley again, his face felt flushed with heat and his stomach felt as if it were full of static.  
He was thankful for Barley being a heavy sleeper in that moment, he realized at the moment that Barley looked more relaxed now than he had in all the time Ravenwing had known him so far.   
He had often found him sleeping idly wherever he could, but it was almost always slumped against a wall in a way that still looked rigid and on edge to a degree.  
Now he was collapsed in a comfortable heap on the opposite end of the sofa, his breathing evened out quietly and he realized before that Barley always seemed to have his jaw set. Ravenwing used to think he was a loner with a constant state of relaxed on his shoulders, but seeing him now made him realize just how on edge he was.

He knew from personal experience that wouldn’t go away all at once, it was a constant battle against bad memories for him, but that could wait until Barley woke up. Ravenwing moved slowly to position himself more comfortably against the corner he propped himself in, he didn’t want to wake Barley now.   
Barley needed all the sleep he could get and though he’d never admit it out loud, he liked the moment for being able to see his friend and all that caused his reckless affection for him.  
Ravenwing found a whole new level of appreciation for Barley the night before, he was honest and brave, above all he understood and experienced exactly the sort of situation Ravenwing had been stuck in. He realized he’d been staring for some time when Barley stirred suddenly and he tore his gaze away and focused instead on his hands in his lap.

Barley sat up and looked around blearily, blinking the sleep from his eyes as he realized where he was. “Hm, mornin” He yawned.  
“Good morning.” Ravenwing replied quietly, feigning a sudden interest in his hands. He felt the urge to run away before Barley realized what had happened, but luck wasn’t on his side now.   
“Oh, sorry. We fell asleep here didn’t we?” Barley said, stretching what Ravenwing assumed was a back that ached like his after the way they slept. “Sorry for keeping you up like that, I meant to call it a night after all that but I guess sleep got the better of me.”   
Ravenwing waved off his apology frantically, it wasn’t as if he didn’t like it, but he wasn’t prepared to admit that.  
“Ah, it’s nothing! I’m used to it, um, this sorta thing happened a lot back in Thunderclan.” He gestured to the couch to further drive his point home.   
He rubbed nervously at the back of his neck to ease the ache as he watched as Barley seemed to wake up more by the passing second.   
Barley turned to him abruptly, he felt his heart jolt at the sudden attention and he hoped it wasn’t obvious.  
“I have an idea, since yesterday ended up so heavy and draining we should take a day off today.” Barley was beaming a him, he had to admit the idea was tempting. They didn’t have the luxury of taking days off unless they were healing in Thunderclan.  
‘I guess we are healing in a way.’ He reasoned to himself.  
“That...sounds nice? What did you have in mind?” Barley held his gaze for a moment longer before turning to look at the room around them.   
“Well, I hadn’t thought that far ahead yet. Just came to me, I figure maybe we could head out to the lake after breakfast, there’s nothing to do today that can’t be done tomorrow.” Barley added. “I think a break would do us both some good.”

 

Ravenwing took the opportunity to shower after a quick breakfast of cereal while Barley put together food and supplies for the day ahead of them.   
The lingering ache in his back and neck faded under the stream of hot water, it was nearly scalding but it was a welcomed change from the often cold water they bathed in with clan life.  
He stepped out of the shower reluctantly and set to work drying his hair with a towel. Peering into his foggy reflection in the mirror, the mess of curls were apparent once more as he dried it. Ravenwing realized with a start that he was starting to look more like his father now that he wasn’t sporting the clean shaven look of a Thunderclan apprentice.   
A thin coat of hair graced the lower half of his face, that coupled with the wild curls that almost reached his shoulders gave him the same sort of look he remembered Fuzzypelt for, and what had given his father his nickname in the first place.   
Ravenwing dressed himself quickly before making his way back to the kitchen to find his friend. Barley was leaning back against the kitchen sink with his arms folded over his chest, he seemed to be studying the ceiling until Ravenwing caught his attention. Barley smiled widely, a genuine smile that reached his eyes and made a sudden jolt run through his stomach.  
“Heh, I don’t know what it is, but I feel really good today. Y’know, for sleeping on the couch I feel pretty well rested for once.” Barley chuckled, Ravenwing found it suddenly very hard to meet his gaze and shifted his focus on the backpack on the table instead.  
“So um, this is what we’re taking with us today?” He asked, shoving aside the fond memories of how nice it felt slumped comfortably against the back of the couch with Barley’s steady presence beside him, the pleasant physical reminder that he wasn’t alone anymore.

“Yep!” Barley’s response pulled him back to reality. “I’ve got a lunch packed for us along with some bottles of water, a map just in case we get hopelessly lost and some first aid supplies just in case we meet a bear or something.”   
“Did you have anywhere in particular you wanted to go today?” Ravenwing asked, finally meeting Barley’s gentle eyes, this time his his chest felt like it was full of static.  
He hardly processed the feeling when Barley swung an arm over his shoulder and pulled him close in friendly half hug.   
“It’s a surprise, I wanted to thank you for being a good friend to me. I know it hasn’t been long or anythin’ but I feel like I’ve known you for years now.” Barley wrapped both arms around him and Ravenwing returned the gesture after a moment. “I’ve never really been able to talk about my past, but knowing I’m not alone with my problems, it’s a real nice feeling. I’m glad you’re here Ravenwing, so I’m gonna show you a place nobody else has ever been.” Barley let him go with what almost felt like reluctance to Ravenwing as he turned to pull the backpack over his shoulders.  
To say that Ravenwing felt overwhelmed would have been an understatement, he felt almost like he had when he’d first been made an apprentice, as though there was a fire in his heart that spread heat all the way to his fingertips.  
“I’m happy to be here too, for all the same reasons.” He managed to reply, all too aware that his face felt aflame, but grateful that his copper skin would hide the fact from sight.

Ravenwing let Barley take the lead as they headed out the back door and he waited patiently as Barley double checked the lock. After the story of Bloodclan, he now understood why Barley was so thorough about it. He didn’t mind, the extra level of caution made him feel safe as well, as if the action helped protect them against any horrors of the outside world while they were in their house.

As they walked up the gravel path towards the woods, Barley began to fill Ravenwing in on the happier stories he could recall. Just as Ravenwing had fond memories of Thunderclan, it seemed Barley had a few fond stories of his own. Most were about Violet or early childhood with his mother, he spoke fondly of all the times they would find whatever they had on hand and made a meal out of it.  
“Me and Violet would pretend it was the fanciest meal ever created, our mom would play along and we used to mix sugar into water and pretend it was fancy tea. Sometimes when she comes over we still do that, although now I have real tea.” Barley went on, Ravenwing realized this was the first time he’d talked so much about a positive subject. 

After roughly an hour of on and off talking about the past, present and anything that came to mind as they walked along the path through the woods. They passed the lake a few minutes ago, the last recognizable landmark that Ravenwing knew of as Barley lead him up a hill. “You know, it’s actually Windclan that’s more adept at climbing hills.” Ravenwing points out as he pulls himself up with the aid of a small tree.   
“Hey, if a guy of my size can make it up a hill, I think you can do it.” Barley reached down to give him a hand, pulling him up over the top and onto flat ground. “Man, you’re heavier than you look.”   
Ravenwing can’t help but laugh, he’s heard that one before from his friends.   
“Who are you calling heavy?” As soon as Barley began to laugh he took the moment to catch him off guard and knock him down with a well timed shove. He’d used that one on Greystripe a few times before. “Hey did you hear that? I think a tree fell down.” He couldn’t help but laugh at the expression of pure bewilderment on Barley’s face. Even the man that made his heart race wouldn’t escape his occasional taunting.

Ravenwing lept back with a yelp as Barley made a sudden retaliating lunge for his legs. His stomach plummeted as he felt a his footing shift suddenly with the step, his heart lurched when he realized in that second that he was falling backwards at the edge of the hill.   
The second he felt himself fall, Barley, with a look of pure shock to match his own, had the front of his shirt in his fists and he felt himself hauled back forward as they crashed to a heap safely on the forest floor. 

Ravenwing found himself half on top of his friend, heart still racing and completely mortified over it for a few reasons. He pushed himself up hurriedly, stumbling over an apology before Barley stopped him with a hand firmly on his shoulder.  
“Hey it’s all good, we survived!” Barley chuckled, still on his back as though he was lying on leaves and dirt comfortably by choice. “Besides, you forgot this.”

Ravenwing was caught off guard when he was met with a face full of leaves. The noise of pure shock he made must have spurred Barley on, he took vengeance in the form of throwing an arm around Ravenwing as he scattered a handful of leaves into his curly hair.

Ravenwing found himself spitting every curse that came to mind through breathless laughter as he broke free and shook his hair out vigorously.   
“Ha! Now you’re more like a tree than me!” Barley sat back on his knees triumphantly, he watched Ravenwing scatter the leaves with a toothy grin that still managed to make his heart soar, even with dirt smudging his chin and a few leaves of his own clinging to him. 

Ravenwing rolled his eyes and gave up on his own hair after getting most of the foliage out. He reached forward and without thinking about it he ran a hand through Barley’s disheveled hair to free a twig he’d managed to pick up.  
It felt as though the world around them had frozen, along with his heart. Barley was caught off-guard once more, though now the look on his face wasn’t quite bewilderment. Ravenwing hadn’t meant to do that, or at least, he hadn’t meant for the action to come off so overtly affectionate. 

‘Good job, you ruined it.’

The thought raced through his head like an angry hornet. It stung deep down in his heart like a knife, the jolt brought him back to reality while anticipating the worst.

Barley blinked, the same smile reappeared after a moment as he plucked the twig from Ravenwing’s hand. “Or maybe we’re both equal on that, heh.” Barley waved a gentle hand over his curly disarray of bangs, returning the gesture and sending a small cascade of leaf bits through his vision. Ravenwing released the breath he didn’t realize he was holding, he hated to admit how nice the gesture felt despite his panic.  
Barley was on his feet a moment later, one hand tucked idly into his pocket and the other held out to help Ravenwing off the ground.  
He took the offer after assuring himself that he was breathing, he pushed himself off the ground with Barley’s help and returned the smile with a small hesitation.  
“Anyway, we’re almost there, just around that bend actually.” The excitement picked up in Barley’s tone as he realized how close they were to the secret.  
With his hand still clasped firmly in Barley’s, he let himself be half dragged in the direction Barley took. Barley told him to close his eyes, he wanted the surprise to truly be a surprise. Ravenwing complied with a shrug, he trusted Barley enough to lead him safely, especially after he managed to save him from tumbling backwards down a hill just minutes ago.

Ravenwing felt a sweeping sense of relief that Barley didn’t take any offense to his affectionate gesture, he cared deeply about his friend but he didn’t want to push him away with his feelings. It was a careful balance, but he had the feeling he’d do it forever if it meant keeping his friendship with Barley.  
Ravenwing never thought he’d be the sort of person to connect so easily with someone new, he always felt a ball of tension inside him when he did something new back in clan life. Going to the gatherings and talking to so many new people had taken all his courage, but living with Barley and talking about the most horrific secrets that weighed on his shoulders was never something he could have imagined.  
The easygoing loner he’d come to know so closely and so quickly, and with what felt like no effort, had claimed his heart just as quickly.  
It made him a little dizzy to think about for too long, but to his luck Barley turned and told him to open his eyes.  
He could hear the river before he could see it, but when he opened his eyes he was completely surprised to see an old train bridge, moss grew thick on the tracks from lack of use but the stone of the structure still held strong over the river below it.

“This river connects back to the lake when you follow it, but I’ve never seen anyone else come through here. It’s easy to get lost if you don’t know where you’re going, took me a few tries myself.” Barley said with a grin, he went on to explain that he came here when he was feeling overwhelmed or scared, it made him feel safe from the world being in a place where he knew nobody would find him easily.   
Barley had accidentally spent a few nights in the woods, on those few times he lost his way, but he explained that the trees felt safe around him, so different from the high imposing buildings that he grew to hate so much in the city.  
“So, what’ya think?”  
Ravenwing couldn’t place exactly what it was that he felt, but he concluded that it was a nice feeling. A longing sensation in the pit of his stomach, like the strong desire to travel or simply wander aimlessly without a real destination in mind. There was a sensation of intimacy, the sort of feeling he had felt when Barley shared his familiar painful history with him.   
He knew the feeling Barley had likely been drawn to in the secluded space, wanting to be away from everything that felt dangerous and hiding away in the woods where he couldn’t be easily found. 

“I think it’s beautiful, Barley. It feels safe here.” Barley shifted his hand from Ravenwing’s wrist to his shoulder in a silent response, pulling him close. Intimate and safe, he quickly realized that these were feelings he came to associate with the loner he’d grown so close to.  
“I’m happy you share my sentiments, I get that feeling every time I come here. Safe and away from everything, right? C’mon, we can sit on the bridge and have lunch, the view is incredible.” Barley pulled away but the warm sensation lingered on his shoulder until it faded away.

Ravenwing followed Barley up onto the rails and cautiously sat down with him, he didn’t quite have the bravery his friend possessed. Barley had dropped his legs over the edge of the old structure and let them hang free in the air, his shoes placed neatly beside him.  
He sat comfortably with his legs crossed and listened intently as Barley described the day he found the bridge over the course of their meal together.   
He learned that it fell into disuse since the tracks through the woods were either torn up or buried, only the bridge itself still remained to prove it was once there.   
It had a sense of quiet serenity to it, the sort of feeling he got when he saw the Fourtrees for the first time.  
The sun hung high in the sky and with its rays it chased away any chill on the wind, it left them in a comfortable warmth.   
Ravenwing felt the sudden desire to pull Barley close, a longing feeling deep in his stomach that urged him to wrap his arms around him and bury his face in Barley’s shoulder. He wanted nothing more than to hold him close and feel the comforting weight of his friend’s arms around him in return.  
He reluctantly shoved the thought aside, but the pleasant feeling lingered like raindrops that clung to leaves as he watched Barley toss small rocks down into the river below them. Instead, Ravenwing wrapped his arms around himself to smother the fluttering in his stomach as his mind raced for something else to think about.  
Ravenwing still found himself getting used to the feeling of doing almost nothing, the feeling that every minute of the day didn’t need to be packed with work and other activities to prevent him from getting in trouble was a foreign one.   
His sense of how time passed changed drastically since he had adopted the new lifestyle of a loner at the farm with Barley, before he had known the passage of time by the flurry of activity that was clan life. Thunderclan relied only on the sun rising, reaching the middle of the sky and its setting at dusk to measure their days and Ravenwing, like all apprentices, had been taught from early in his apprentice days to spend every moment of daylight learning or helping their clan.  
Barley’s sense of how time worked somehow felt like a breath of fresh air and the sensation of being tripped while he was running at the same time. 

If Barley had a personal schedule, it was almost non-existent with most of his day revolving around when he wanted to eat and how much he could put off to a later time. Barley had no real sense of urgency to get things done and Ravenwing found himself enjoying it more than he would care to admit.   
He could almost feel the tension fading from his shoulders with each passing day, with each morning that wasn’t spent trying desperately to avoid setting off Tigerclaw and every long afternoon he spent doing anything he wanted instead of whatever dangerous task that had been set out for him. It was almost thrilling in its own way, the idea that his life now was so carefree and rebellious by comparison to his former upbringing.

Barley turned to give Ravenwing an encouraging grin and he pressed a few of the stones into the palm of his hand so Ravenwing could try for himself.  
If Barley’s easygoing lifestyle was a slow and steady breath of fresh air, the way he looked at him now made it feel like time itself halted and it left him nearly breathless.

Ravenwing pitched the stone in a high arc and watched with satisfaction as it plummeted into the water below with a small splash. He began to feel a little more brave by the time the last stone was flung into the river below and he carefully lowered himself to sit beside Barley, his legs hanging over the edge as he rested his arms on the old railing.

After a minute of comfortable silence Barley shifted and rested his head on Ravenwing’s shoulder with a content sigh and felt in that moment that everything he went through to get where he was may have been worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about that long stretch between updates, I had some mild computer issues but we should be set to go from here! I'm gonna see this through till it's done, even if it takes a little while, but I'm excited for where it'll go from here. Thank you for your patience and kind words! <3


	10. Survivor's Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ravenwing struggles with intrusive thoughts and the threat of an internal storm.

  


Ravenwing found himself completely at peace with the world, at least for the moment. 

There was something about the way the wind whistled gently under the bridge or the enveloping warmth of the autumn sunlight that chased away the early chill of the late season. The pleasant weight of Barley resting on his shoulder was an entirely comforting sensation, just as much as it had felt that morning to his otherwise emotionally drained senses. 

Now the feeling had a tone of certainty that settled on him like the first snow of winter blanketing the landscape, pleasantly heavy as he realized that the gesture was purposeful unlike the position they woke to find themselves in.

Barley wanted to be close to him and although there was a familiar quiet voice in the back of Ravenwing’s mind that whispered all the things that could possibly go wrong, the steady beating of his heart seemed to drown it out almost entirely, leaving only a pleasant warmth that radiated from his chest.  
He felt like every part of his being was filled with sunlight, it reminded him faintly of an old story from his younger days in Thunderclan of a great leader had been blessed by Starclan and carried the warmth and energy of the sun itself in every action, he had been the leader before Bluestar and fondly remembered by his clan. Ravenwing looked back on the time in his life when his only responsibilities had been listening to the elders and learning the stories they shared with a feeling of nostalgia settling in his stomach.

That had been long before his whole life turned into a nightmare.

‘Maybe if you weren't so weak, Tigerclaw would have been satisfied with making a strong warrior out of you. Maybe if you weren't so pathetic, Redtail would still be alive.’

The sudden unwelcome thoughts cut through his pleasant memory, a painful edge to it that stung worse than any hornet he’d ever encountered. The cool feeling of nostalgia was now like ice, gripping his senses as if winter itself had took hold of his body with a cruel jab. It was as jarring as being struck and left him disoriented, just much as any fight he had ever experienced.

Then, just as abruptly, it was like a blade twisting deeply into his stomach. He felt suddenly very far away as if the plummeting sensation in his gut had thrown him from his body, somewhere far from even Starclan.  
For a horrible moment all his mind was filled with Redtail, his normally composed features painted with betrayal and sheer pain as his life was stolen in a selfish act of cold-blooded treason. 

‘No- I can't think about this right now! I-it wasn't my fault! Even if I had been stronger or... Even if i wasn't weak o-or pathetic! Tigerclaw was a murderer, he was the one who- who…’ Ravenwing felt the familiar painful burning knot in his throat, but his mind still felt far from his body, though it was now as if it was caught up in brambles while the rest of himself was somewhere else farther and farther ahead. 

He came back to himself in a startling moment of clarity when Barley’s familiar weight left his shoulder, only to reappear as he felt himself being pulled back further onto the ground.

Ravenwing remembered everything about where he was in another moment of realization, his legs no longer hung over the edge of the bridge, Barley was between him and the wide open view. His sense of feeling returned piece by piece, starting with a slight burning sensation in his lungs as he breathed deeply. With each exhale the feeling of static ebbed as he focused on Barley’s concerned features and committed them to memory for everything that was real and present.

It was somewhere between admiring the way his eyes seemed to hold every shade of autumn leaves and the freckles that scattered across his face like Silverpelt covered the night sky when Barley finally spoke up.  
“Ravenwing? Is it alright to touch you right now or do you need space?” Barley’s hand was raised cautiously at his shoulder, he felt himself respond quietly before he could stop to think about it.  
Barley rested his hand slowly and impossibly gentle on his back, he almost felt like crying from the gesture coupled with his feelings, now flooding back into him as the memory faded back into his past.

Another moment of silence passed before Barley spoke up once more, though his concern was paired with a wave of relief as he leaned carefully into Ravenwing’s side. “Glad to have you back, do you wanna talk about it or d’you need me to shut up for a while.” A wry smile crossed his face. “In that case, just a ‘shut up. Barley’ will do.”

Ravenwing couldn't help but laugh a little at the comment, the humour in the face of his trouble gave him a bit of hope that Barley really didn't hate him the moment his trauma acted up.  
He supposed coming from a terribly similar background gave his friend a compassionate heart, something he hadn't been used to outside of his only two friends growing up.  
He fixed his mouth into a grimace, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat.

Ravenwing let his head rest carefully against Barley, the slight fear of being too dependent or bothersome still prickled inside him.  
Finally, Ravenwing found his voice and spoke up again.  
“I'm sorry Barley, I don't really know what just happened, it was just all at once, it was like I was back there again.” He said, his voice was quiet but Barley seemed to hear him clearly. “It was all so fast and I didn't feel like I was here anymore. I'm sorry.”  
Barley gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze as he responded. “You don't need to apologize Ravenwing, I know how it is. You didn't do anything wrong. I've had the same thing happen to me, one second it's a lot of feelings and then almost nothing. Numb like standing in a blizzard too long, right? You're here now though.” Barley pulled away to get a better look at him, and as his bright eyes took in his face, Ravenwing felt his cheeks flush with warmth.  
“I am, um, I do know where I am now.” He was more relieved than he cared to admit that he wasn't alone with the feeling. “I just, I hate what it's done to me.” Ravenwing found himself admitting before he could stop himself. Hot and all too familiar tears threatened to spill over and he blinked stubbornly in an effort to clear his vision. He relented to the wave of shame that washed over him and the bitterness he'd kept so close for so many years.  
“It was like he killed me anyways.” Barley looked as though he was biting his tongue to keep from interrupting but his concern won out as he let Ravenwing continue. “He may as well have, he cheated me out of my life the night he killed Redtail. I know it must sound selfish because I survived and I'm here now, but it still hurts.” He thought things were turning out okay, he trusted Barley as much as he had trusted Greystripe and Fireheart, that coupled with the telltale flutter of his heart even now among the sorrow he felt as Barley contemplated what he said, chewing at his lip in his concentration.  
Barley didn't respond right away, instead he pulled Ravenwing into a hug, his friend looked on the verge of tears himself.

“I uh, sort of hate how relieved I am to hear that, Ravenwing. It's awful and I'm real sorry you had to live through it too. I've spent years alone here with my thoughts, an' feing like isolation was the right way to heal, to keep myself safe.” Barley's voice cracked at the last word and it took everything for Ravenwing not to sob again just from the sound of it. The rough feeling of Barley's face tucked against his neck did little to help him focus and he was sure the rapid beating of his heart must have been like thunder within his chest.  
“But at the end of it all, I'm just so happy you came here to the farm with me. Ravenwing, you're probably the best thing to come out of this awful situation. I've never had a friend I could trust like this before, I'm really thankful for it, for you I mean.”  
There it was again, the traitorous fluttering in his stomach and it only grew as he looped his arms over Barley's broad shoulders. His actions carried more sentiment than his words ever could, the weight of his arms were a physical reassurance that he was as thankful for Barley's patience and understanding as he was for the sun rising each day. He felt stronger than ever supporting his friend and being supported in return, he felt like he could hold up the entire sky and all of Starclan with it if he stayed like that forever.

It felt like hours passed, Ravenwing didn't want it ever to end. It finally felt entirely comfortable to be close and embrace Barley, his tears had stopped finally and the burning in his throat faded away as though it were early morning mist. His mind was a little more at ease with each minute that passed in Barley's strong arms.  
He was falling hard for Barley and he was almost painfully aware of how good it felt to be held. Whether it was from his feelings for his friend, the lack of closeness with anyone in the last year or a mix of both.

Ravenwing didn't want to lose his friendship over something as trivial as his own selfish feelings, after all being from a non-clan upbringing Barley may not have the same sense of partnership that clans accepted so readily. But the way Barley held him and the sheer relief in his tone when he'd confessed how thankful he was led him to believe his friend wasn't adverse to closeness at the very least.  
The thought that Barley wasn't troubled by Ravenwing’s closeness was enough to make his heart soar. Now that he was used to it again, he hadn't realized just how much he missed being close to someone else and the reassuring weight of someone that cared about him.

Barley finally withdrew from the embrace and stared thoughtfully at the view around them.  
“We should probably start heading back home now if we wanna make it before dark.” A soft smile reached his eyes this time as he moved to stand up, pulling Ravenwing to his unsteady feet. “I sort of wish we could stay here but it’s supposed to rain later on. I'm sure you're used to it being a tough Thunderclan raised man yourself, but some of us softer guys like not being soaked to the bone.”  
Ravenwing was caught off guard by his own laughter, a light chuckle left him feeling just a bit lighter as they began to walk.  
“Yes, I'm the tough one. It’s definitely me. Absolutely. Also, it's Riverclan that's fond of water, hence the name, Barley.” His dry humoured reply left Barley doubled over laughing in a way that sent a pleasant jolt down his spine.  
“What? You don't believe me? What did you say that scar was from again?” Barley reached out and tapped the light mark that scored the bridge of his nose, a stark contrast to the russet-brown of his face. Admittedly, he did think it made him look a lot tougher, but he wasn't prepared to admit that.

“It was a boar, it's not like I got it from a real fight or anything.” He shrugged, but the swell of pride in his chest was hard to ignore.  
“A wild boar that you, what was it? Oh right, you took on by yourself if I recall!” Barley drawled with a smirk. “Sounds pretty tough if you ask me.”  
Ravenwing couldn't come up with a counter argument, he stuck with instead looking away and finding the trees suddenly very interesting.  
“Well, uh, what about you? You've got that cool looking eyebrow scar.” He said after a moment, the scar in question was usually hidden behind Barley's sandy hair but it was disheveled enough to show it then.  
Barley immediately brought a hand up to his face, he seemed on the verge of covering it up again reflexively but he seemed to change his mind and slowly broight his hand down again.  
“Hey now, that's not fair, I just ran into some street thug at the wrong time, nothing as cool as a wild animal.” Barley insisted with a huff and then a pause.  
“But, uh, you really think it looks cool? I thought it just screwed up my eyebrow a whole lot.” Barley added with a chuckle that sounded almost nervous.  
“It um, it was supposed to be an obvious mark to show I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But now, cool? Really?” Barley marveled over the word as if he had a hard time seeing it as anything but an ugly reminder.  
Ravenwing gave him a shrug and half smile in response, an action that he picked up from Greystripe growing up.  
“In clan life we call them survival marks, you made it through whatever caused it alive. It's kind of admirable, really.” He assured, he chose to leave out how ridiculously attractive he found it.  
They walked in comfortable silence for a while until Barley spoke up again.  
“So if you don't mind me asking, where’d the scar on your chin come from?”  
Ravenwing pointed at the old healed wound in question, the short beard he’d neglected to trim since leaving clan life did nothing to hide the light thin line on the left side of his jaw.  
“This one? I got this one defending Bluestar from those bandits that attacked on the way back from Highstones last year. Right before you showed up and…” He paused with a gulp, he’d avoid bringing up how Tigerclaw had attacked Barley again as he was sure they both remembered that all too well. “You helped us drive them off, but yes, one of them got a good hit at my face with something sharp.” 

It felt strange at this point for him to remember Barley from a year ago, at the time he hadn’t given a second thought as to why Barley was fairly good at fighting for someone who was regarded as a lazy and relaxed loner by the clan.  
Now with the knowledge of Barley's upbringing he realized it must have been similar to the way he lived. It was awfully brave of him to help them in spite of everything.  
Even before he knew Barley personally, the had thought it was sort of cool how he’d shown up and saved them.  
Ravenwing glanced up at the sky, thick silver clouds were stretched across it and nearly hid the telltale orange glow of early evening as they found their path once more.  
The rest of the walk through the woods was filled with stories of the various injuries they had accumulated over the years and light-hearted conversation.

Barley admitted to a good portion of his being due to carelessness, he had jumped a lot of fences and acquired a good number of marks on his legs from not clearing them entirely.  
“I think me coming home like that so often was partly what gave Violet the desire to heal people.” He shook his head with a chuckle.  
Ravenwing felt that even in the bleak years Barley had lived through, he still found things to look back on with a sense of humour.  
That seemed so impossibly strong and though Barley’s upbringing was in a far different setting than his own, he had a heart as strong as any Thunderclan warrior.

Ravenwing knew his feelings for his friend ran deeper than just passive appreciation in that moment.  
There was no doubt, he found Barley incredibly handsome and charming, but he felt by the telltale flutter of his heart that Barley’s strong spirit and attitude claimed his thoughts.  
Ravenwing wasn't new to the feeling of love, he had loved his family, his clan and his friends deeply.  
The intensity of the new feelings were like electricity running through him in a bolt from his heart all the way to his fingertips, unlike anything he had felt before.  
Like the warmth of a fire at the end of a long day, letting the radiating heat chase away the chill of the air and feeling nothing but the warmth soak into his bones.  
It was feeling safe after so many years of intense fear and paranoia, only experiencing the faint sensation of peace as though trying to catch mist in his hands before the sunrise chased it away.

The feeling didn't fade away that time, it settled into him as though it clung to his bones. Safety and the promise of a peaceful life beyond the terror his life had been. In the face of all his fears and lingering feelings of terror from the past, Barley’s presence was like the glow of a campfire in an otherwise pitch dark night.

A cold drop of rain broke him out of his thoughts and he winced as it ran through his curls and down his neck. The sky above their heads was slowly enveloped by thick now grey clouds that covered the setting sun, Barley noted the promise of a storm and thunder with the dark horizon.  
They had hardly set foot back on the property when the rain began to pick up.  
Barley wasted no time in grabbing Ravenwing’s hand and breaking into a near sprint down the dirt path that lead to their home.

They reached the back porch just as the sky opened up, Barley hurriedly unlocked the door as Ravenwing ducked under the roof to avoid the downpour.  
He had been used to rain and storms back in Thunderclan, no warrior would let the weather keep them from their duties, but the last thing he wanted now was to track water and mud all through the farmhouse.

They stepped into the kitchen and Barley wasted no time in kicking off his boots at the doorway. Ravenwing followed suit and placed his carefully on the doormat.  
As if reading his mind, Barley spoke up. “Bleh, I don't know how you dealt with being under the open sky all the time. Especially with the cold rain like that, sounds real unpleasant to me.”  
Ravenwing laughed at that remark, he gave his head a brief shake to rid his curls of the excess water. “Well in Thunderclan we had trees and stuff taking the brunt of the rain and snow. I can't imagine being in Windclan, they hardly have any forest on their land. It's all wide open skies and moorland.” Ravenwing grimaced at the memory alone, the few times he’d been on Windclan land had been under unpleasant circumstances in the first place, but he couldn't imagine being happy to live in such an open unprotected space.  
“I suppose so, nothing beats having a roof over my head and a warm place to stay inside all day. You look like you're adjusting to it pretty well yourself, Ravenwing. I think you fit right in, personally.” Barley replied with a grin lighting up his tired eyes. Barley retreated to the living room to start a fire and Ravenwing felt his face turn warm, he fought valiantly against the smile tugging at his mouth.

‘He thinks I fit right in.’ Ravenwing gave up fighting his smile as a wave of happiness washed over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again about the pause, I have no computer at the moment so I wrote this from mobile!  
> We're getting there even if it takes me 40 years though hopefully it'll be more like done by this time next year?


End file.
